Dr. Rob and Tami answer some of their community’s questions about addiction, betrayal, and more. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains the difference between intimacy and sex, why certain types of men/addicts cheat, and why the partners’ of addicts often self-blame; but it is completely not their fault. If you’re looking for additional support, Seeking Integrity has a number of free resources for both people with sex/porn addiction as well as their betrayed partners on the Seeking Integrity website.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:45] You can’t control what your addict/betrayer is doing, so you need to protect and take care of you.

[5:00] If I have sex with him/her, will they stop their affairs?

[7:30] You deserve to be treated like a person. You deserve to be treated in a respectful manner.

[11:15] What happens to someone with a porn addiction?

[15:55] When you detox from porn, don’t switch to other compulsive behaviors.

[20:35] As someone with addictions, you are allowed to ask for a time out with your partner to calm down.

[22:35] Unfortunately, after you’ve hurt your partner, you can’t depend on them to boost your self-esteem.

[30:25] Dr. Rob, can you talk more about why it’s ‘not about sex’ when someone acts out sexually?

[39:50] How long should I go without physical intimacy after a betrayal?

[44:15] Please, please, please if you’re a betrayed partner, go to the doctor and get a full screening. Addicts lie and you need to take your health into your own hands.

[50:10] Why do betrayed partners stay with their addicts?

[55:00] Tami shares a few group resources for betrayed partners looking for support.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “It’s not about you. It’s not how hot you are, how much weight you can lose, it’s not about any of that. No matter what, they’re gonna act out.”

• “Why would you sleep with someone you don’t trust? If you don’t trust him, don’t let him in your bed.”

• “Sex addicts prove that you can have sex without intimacy.”

Dr. Rob and Tami share what a couple can expect when they sit down and talk with Dr. Rob in person or over Zoom when they are ready to address their infidelity and addiction issues. How do you know if a residential treatment is right for you? What do you do when your spouse still continues to lie to you after formal disclosure? All these questions answered, and more!

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:45] How long does it take to rewire a porn-addicted mind?

[4:50] Addicts think, ‘they can’t live without this’ but when they take a pause they realize that they didn’t die. That they can push through.

[6:45] My husband said he’d be honest about the affairs going forward. This has been a complete lie. Where do I go from here?

[8:45] Whatever you do, don’t give up on you.

[14:15] Unfortunately, you may never get what you want from that person.

[20:25] I fluctuate between me being a horrible person vs. me being a good person that just did a horrible thing. How can I differentiate?

[25:55] I struggle to take ownership. Not sure what I should do?

[34:25] If you have a question about your spouse’s addiction, write it down. Collect them, and then sit down at a scheduled time and talk about them.

[37:45] How do you know if residential treatment makes sense for you?

[45:00] What does it mean to do a consultation with Dr. Rob?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “The brain doesn’t get rewired, it’s not a motherboard, but it does adapt.”

• “You’re getting the kind of message that you have to work on your own life and what you want from the other person, you may never get; as much as you deserve it.”

• “Guilt is a good thing. Healthy guilt I made a mistake, I need to go back and fix it. Guilt is good information.”

Erin Snow, Clinical Director for Seeking Integrity, joins Tami on this episode to help talk about the importance of internal and regulation work, while also healing your hurt inner child. She speaks to betrayed spouses who are in love or have grief from loving their addict spouse, and more in today’s episode.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:45] He claims to be sober, but he’s doing nothing to be sober?

[4:00] Men struggle to create intimate bonds with other men.

[15:50] It takes work to counteract what the brain wants to do.

[18:15] Most people who struggle with addiction don’t even know what they want at the moment.

[20:55] Losing a friend is painful. Losing a partner? Even more so. It takes a lot of work to be comfortable in your own skin.

[22:45] Erin talks about a woman’s retreat and how empowering it can be for women who have addicts in their lives.

[24:50] These women all share the same pain; loving their addict.

[28:55] Life isn’t fair, but you can always choose to focus on yourself!

[29:20] We are separated and in couple’s therapy. I’m in grief. How do I practice self-care on a daily basis?

[38:20] Sometimes addicts just don’t want to make the decision to leave, so the partner has to do it for them.

[45:20] A porn addiction has damaged our relationship. How can we reconnect sexually again?

[53:10] He is addicted to prostitutes. I depend on him and he resents me. How do I heal?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “The most beautiful thing about treatment is men are forced to develop intimate bonds with other men.”

• “So for 20 years you’ve used problematic behaviors and then you magically stop it, and you’re all good? Denial is the biggest component of addiction.”

• “Doing the work is unfair (as a betrayed spouse), nobody should have to do it, but it is a gift to get to the other side of regulation.”