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It doesn't matter how much we know, and how much we work at it, we'll all struggle to parent well at times; it's just part of being human.

To mark the 100th episode of the podcast I decided to give you a top ten of the best lessons I've learned, and continue to mess up.

In case you can't be bothered to listen, you're bored by me waffling, or you just want the list, here goes:

1. Connection over correction.
2. It's not personal, and it's not about you.
3. Kick the bullies out of your head.
4. It's not your job to tell your kids what to do, it's your job to help them find out who they are.
5. Routine is going to save everyone from nagging hell.
6. Assume your kids are trying their best and catch them being good.
7. Have clear boundaries, consequences and expectations, but be prepared to negotiate.
8. Community is way more important and helpful than we were told.
9. Be honest about your own failings.
10. Make time to enjoy the ride.

This list isn't definitive, it's just the stuff that's has felt most meaningful to me. Hopefully some of it will land with you, but if you have any other keys to heaven you can add then email teenagersuntangled@gmail.com and help us all out; we need all the support we can get.

Support the Show.

Thanks for listening.

Neither of us has medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Rachel’s email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
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Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a Text Message.

In the West, we tend to see success for late teens as passing exams, getting into further education or getting a job, and moving on with life. So when we received an email from a mother, concerned for the welfare of her two step-sons who've performed poorly in their final high school exams, and who don't seem to be interested in finding work, we thought it would be a really interesting topic to unpack.

Her step-sons aren't alone. There is growing concern about the relative underachivement of boys in education across the Western hemisphere, and the term 'failure to launch' was even referred to as a syndrome in a recent article in The British Journal of General Practice.

We discuss coping with our own expectations and feelings of fear about our children's suceess, managing a complicated situation as a step-parent, and the structural issues affecting boys in today's society.

BOOKS REFERENCED:

Boys Adrift, Leonard Sax explores the alarming trend of boys falling behind in education and life.

Of Boys and Men: Richard Reeves. Why the modern male is struggling, why it matters, and what to do about it.

USEFUL EPISODES:

Masculinity: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/98-boys-emotions--vaccinations-and-online-influencers/

Step-parenting: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/29-step-children-coping-and-thriving-with-a-blended-family/

Setting high expectations: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/standards-setting-high-expectations-without-the-pressure/

Charging rent: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/charging-rent-should-you-charge-your-teens-and-young-adults-rent-and-if-you-do-whats-the-best-wa/

Failure to launch: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/failure-to-launch-what-we-can-learn-from-struggling-young-adults-about-how-to-help-our-teens/

Support the Show.

Thanks for listening.

Neither of us has medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Rachel’s email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/



Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a Text Message.

Extreme misogyny, and the resulting violence against women and girls, has recently been described in the UK as a national emergency.

According to the National Police Chiefs Council, online influencers like Andrew Tate are radicalising boys in and a way that is 'quite terrifying'.

Deputy Chief Constable Maggie Blyth said officers who focused on violence against women and girls are now working with counter-terrorism teams to look at the risk of young men being radicalised.

But what should we parents be doing, and how can we best support our boys? I reached out to Dr. Brendan Kwiatkowski who's a researcher and educator specializing in the social-emotional development and wellbeing of boys and men.

We talked about the emotional lives of boys and men, online influencers, and the idea of innoculating our boys before they hit puberty so they are prepared for the issues that tend to crop up.

Dr. Brendan Kwiatkowski:
www.remasculine.com
Dr. Brendan Kwiatkowski is a researcher, educator, speaker, and consultant specializing in the social-emotional development and wellbeing of boys and men—and how that intersects with the wellbeing of others. His PhD research investigated teenage boys’ experiences and beliefs about being male and compared their experiences based on their levels of emotional expression. He is passionate about positive-focused and person-centred research that humanizes and empowers participants, as well in research that is transformative and practically useful for people in the real-world. He lives in Vancouver, BC, and is part of the faculty of education at a local university. Some of the things Brendan enjoys regularly is breath-work, cold plunges, and free-diving.

Previous episodes:

• MASCULINITY: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/masculinity-and-positive-ways-of-supporting-our-teenage-boys-an-interview-with-mike-nicholson-from/
• BIGOREXIA: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/feeding-your-teen-control-issues-and-bigorexia/
• BOY FRIENDSHIPS: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-forming-positive-friendships-also-what-the-we-sho-1/
• TALKING ABOUT PORN: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/pornography-why-talking-to-your-teen-about-it-is-more-important-now-than-its-ever-been-and-great/

Support the Show.

Thanks for listening.

Neither of us has medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Rachel’s email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/



Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a Text Message.

We'd all love our kids to have self-belief, and the confidence to make friends easily. The problem is that it's not something we can simply give to them.

Seeing our teen struggle in social settings, or suffer with crippling shyness, can be really challenging for us; particularly if it's a feeling we experienced as a teen and seeing our kid go through it brings our own discomfort flooding back.

Today's episode is designed to help our listener whose daughter's shyness is sometimes misconstrued as rudeness. We discuss our own experience of shyness, how it can be misunsderstood by others, and ways in which we can help our teens develop more self-belief.

RESOURCES USED:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/shyness#:~:text=Shyness%20emerges%20from%20a%20few,fear%20of%20judgment%20and%20rejection.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/social-anxiety-disorder-more-than-just-shyness#:~:text=Social%20anxiety%20disorder%20usually%20starts,in%20adolescents%20and%20young%20adults.

http://socialanxietyshortcuts.com/why-shyness-is-mistaken-for-arrogance-and-what-to-do-about-it/

Support the Show.

Thanks for listening.

Neither of us has medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Rachel’s email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/



Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a Text Message.

When a lone mother came onto our Facebook group to look for support with her teenage son who's done very little with his summer holiday other than sleep in late I thought it was a great time to revisit this topic, and talk about the severe level of sleep deprivation our society deems acceptable, and how important sleep is for teens. They're not lazy; there are some important developmental things happening when they sleep.

That said, there are also some concrete things we parents can do to help our teens make the most of their holidays which can be a huge boost to their self-knowledge and ability to regulate themselves.

Reminding ourselves that academics are just one of the important things our kids need for life helps us to steer our focus onto other gains they can make in the holidays.

MY PREVIOUS EPISODE WITH RESEARCH ON SLEEP:

• https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/sleep-the-free-fix-for-our-teens-with-no-side-effects/

MY TIPS:

• KEY: Remove all tech from their rooms, at the very least it should be done well before they ought to go to sleep.
• Choose one life-skill a week and teach them how to do it 'perfectly' using praise and ecouragement as your weapons.
• Help them to talk about what really interests them. Be very careful not to judge whatever it is, but help them to create a routine that involves working towards their goal. Agree a regular check-in time to look again at how they're getting on, and whether it's realistic or needs adapting. This is an amazing life-skill which will protect them from 'failure to launch'.
• Book things that give the holidays structure.
• Make sure they have plenty of opportunity to spend time with their friends; social skills and socialising are vital for teens and my kids' screen time drops dramatically when she has social things to do.
• Get them used to playing games that don't involve online time. We've been loving Uno, Monopoly Deal, Kick the Can, and one unlikely hit has been Sussed which isn't a game, but a card system where each person has to ask the group questions about themselves and people in the group have to guess which they think is the right answer.

BOOK REFERENCED:

• Why Students Don't Like School by Daniel Willingham

Support the Show.

Thanks for listening.

Neither of us has medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Rachel’s email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/



Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a Text Message.

Living with a teenager can make us feel queezy at times because we keep losing our bearings. They're changing rapidly, and bringing new challenges into our home, while we're just trying to do our best. For many, the start of a romantic relationship can feel particularly difficult. You're not just negotiating new territory, but having to do it with another person in the equation.

One listener has contacted me to for support over her teen daughter snuggling with her new boyfriend on the sofa in front of other family members. Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether we're being unreasonable, and even what it is that we're objecting to.

In this episode I directly address her feelings, and how challenging this can be for us parents, before sharing an old episode in which we talked about 16 year olds having sex under our roof.

Support the Show.

Thanks for listening.

Neither of us has medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Rachel’s email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/



Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a Text Message.

The holidays are a great time to begin preparing our kids for the next year, but there's so much we could be doing it's hard to know where to start. I've turned to and someone who specialises in helping parents with tweens to give us some great, actionable tips.

JoAnn Schauf, who founded Your Tween and You, and is the author of Loving the Alien: How to Parent Your Tween, emphasizes the importance of focusing on fostering autonomy and confidence in children.

In this episode we talked about:

• Goal-setting and allowing them to use their voice to set their goals.
• The way our role changes and being clear about the new relationship.
• The confusing changes that happen in our tween's brain.
• The benefit of an accountability partner.
• Using an accomplishment journal.
• Noticing when the good things they do.
• Focusing only on effort.
• Allowing our kids to set their own goals.
• Discussing homework building blocks.
• Discussing screen time and empowering them to manage it.

CONTACT JOANN SHAUF:
https://www.yourtweenandyou.com/

Support the Show.

Thanks for listening.

Neither of us has medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Rachel’s email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/



Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a Text Message.

If you're a bit confused about how much you should be wading in on your young adolescent's screen time then you're not alone. The truth is, there's been very little clear data to prove what we should and shouldn't be doing. Jonathan Haidt's book Anxiety Generation has turned the dial up on the whole subject and he's pushing hard for a ban on social media for younger teens because of the impact he says it has on them. Meanwhile, Natasha Devon is more keen on getting us parents to engage positively with our kids and teach them how to be their best selves online.

So who's right? A new study from the University of California, published in the journal Paediatric Research, looked at the behaviour of ten thousand 12-13 year olds, and it's given parents a clearer understanding of what we should be doing.

The most positive impact: is if we parents place limits on our own screen use, especially in front of our kids.

The most negative thing to do is using screen time as a reward or a punishment - because they found it tends to increase the desire to be on their screens. Which is exactly what Natasha Devon said in my interview about how to help your teens be their best selves online.

NEW STUDY:
https://www.nature.com/articles/s41390-024-03243-y#Sec19

TOOL FOR CREATING A FAMILY MEDIA PLAN:
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/fmp/Pages/MediaPlan.aspx

MY INTERVIEW WITH NATASHA DEVON:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/42-social-media-and-how-to-help-your-teens-be-their-best-selves-online-with-natasha-devon-mbe/

Support the Show.

Thanks for listening.

Neither of us has medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Rachel’s email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com The website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/



Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk