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"At Least It’s Not Worse…” — Why We Rush Gratitude and Skip Our Feelings

We’ve all done it.
Someone shares they’re struggling, and we say:“Well, at least it’s not…”

But what are we actually doing when we say that?
In this Gup Shup, I’m unpacking how this reflex comes from both our brains and our cultures — and how it might be doing more harm than good.

-Why we rush to be grateful
- How the brain tries to protect us
- What we miss when we skip feelings
-And why we’re giving middle fingers up to guilt-based gratitude

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" - It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted! Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to info@mfupodcast.com. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said that—“I’m so tired… but I didn’t even do that much today.”
And for so many of us, especially in immigrant communities, that kind of tiredness isn’t physical—it’s emotional.

It’s what happens when we’re constantly absorbing other people’s moods, guilt, frustration, disappointment… and calling it caring.
We talk about physical boundaries—saying no, doing less, taking space. But we rarely talk about emotional boundaries.
The kind that help us shield our hearts.
That allow emotional separation from the people we love, so we don’t lose ourselves trying to carry everything they feel.

In this episode, I share what I’ve learned—through conversations, therapy, and my own lived experience—about emotional overfunctioning, how it drains us, and how we can slowly start doing things differently.

This isn’t about cutting people off. It’s about knowing what’s yours to hold—and what isn’t.

So if you’ve been feeling low, confused, or tired without a clear reason… I invite you to listen. This one’s especially for the ones who were raised to “just adjust.”

You deserve to feel light again.

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" - It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted! Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to info@mfupodcast.com. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

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Healing as South Asians often means navigating a mental health system shaped by whiteness — one that often fails to see us. After parting ways with a white friend who is also a therapist, I began questioning: is it that we resist help, or that the help we’re offered was never built for us?

And here’s the harder truth: many working within this system — including people of colour — don’t fully recognize how deeply whiteness shapes the frameworks we call “care.” Too often, this system offers a one-size-fits-all approach that doesn’t reflect our histories, cultures, or lived experiences. But unless those working in mental health commit to doing the deeper work — genuinely examining their own whiteness and how little is truly understood about clients of colour — these patterns will continue. Too many claim awareness but fall short of real accountability. The result? Many South Asians who need and deserve support are left unseen, underserved, or made to feel that healing is out of reach.

Often this harm isn’t intentional, but unless we do the deeper work, we risk reproducing it while trying to help. It’s a slippery slope. This Gup Shup is for anyone ready to rethink what true support looks like when we center our own voices and ways of healing.

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" - It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted! Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to info@mfupodcast.com. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

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It’s just you and me in this It’s Good To Gup Shup segment — a space for reflection, reclamation, and real talk. This episode was sparked by Sinners, a film that made me feel seen in someone else’s story. And that whisper of huge validation? It stayed in my bones.

From Late Bloomer and Mo to Monkey Man, we’re talking about the daily contradictions of being brown in a white world. We’re finally putting language to those gut feelings. When stories no longer ask for permission — when creativity meets what’s happening in the world — you see heroes being born.

This isn’t about representation for approval. It’s about zero f*cks and zero fear. It’s about owning the parts of us we were told to shrink. It’s about coming back to the things we mocked before we knew better.

Because we are greater together. And I’ll ask you what I had to ask myself:

When was the last time a story made you feel seen?

Sinners (2025) - Directed by Ryan Coogler

Bend it Like Beckham (2002) - Directed by Gurinder Chadha (available to stream)

Late Bloomer (2024) - Created by Jasmeet Raina

Monkey Man(2024) - Directed by Dev Patel

Mo (2022) - Created by Mo Amer and Ramy Youssef

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" - It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted! Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to info@mfupodcast.com. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

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I sit down with Dr. Ami, a holistic hormone pharmacist who’s not just a clinician — she’s lived the journey. From missed periods and persistent acne to the emotional weight of feeling dismissed, she knows firsthand what many South Asian women silently endure.

Together, we unpack the deep and often overlooked intersections of hormones, healing, and honesty — and explore what PCOS is really costing South Asian women. The truth? It's not just about skipped cycles or fertility struggles. It's about mental health, identity, and generations of shame wrapped up in silence.

While birth control is often handed out as a band-aid, it’s really just been masking symptoms that deserved deeper care. And for many of us, our stories didn’t need more medication — they needed to be heard.

This episode is also a gentle (and sometimes not-so-gentle) invitation to our male partners: you aren’t just background characters in our hormone health stories. Whether it’s showing up in doctor’s visits, learning about our cycles, or unlearning assumptions — your role matters.

Dr. Ami now supports South Asian women all over the world in reclaiming their hormone health, fertility, and sense of self — with personalized, holistic care that listens and understands.

From the beauty of periods to the myth that motherhood is our only calling, Dr. Ami reminds us that we can’t out-medicate a lifestyle, and that healing starts with presence. With compassion and clarity, she helps us rethink what it means to rest, reconnect with our bodies, and reclaim our hormone health without shame.

“I wish more women didn’t hate their periods,” she says.
And after this episode — you just might feel the same.

Instagram: holistic.hormones.pharmacist

Linktree

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" - It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted! Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to info@mfupodcast.com. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

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In this deeply moving episode, we sit with Reshma — a mother of three, widow, and mindfulness coach — as she opens up about the unimaginable loss of her husband to suicide. Together, we explore what it means to stay present in the deepest pain, to mother through heartbreak, and to speak honestly about mental health in a world that often whispers when it should be listening.

Reshma doesn’t offer tidy answers — instead, she offers her heart. She shares what it was like to feel unsurprised by her husband’s choice to leave this world, how important it was that “everyone waited” for her, and the truth she’s come to hold: “My kids just need my heart.”

We talk about the cultural silence that often surrounds grief — especially in South Asian families — where “if the problem can’t be fixed with food, then we just don’t talk about it.” We reflect on the heavy question so many suicide loss survivors carry: “You have all the things. Why would you not want to be here?” And how, sometimes, the most radical thing we can do is “slow down, pay attention, and shut up.”

As a mindfulness coach, Reshma also shares how ancestral practices of presence and stillness became her compass — not to escape pain, but to move with it. In a world where mindfulness has been reduced to buzzwords and apps, she brings it home to its roots — and reminds us it was never a trend, but a way of being.

This episode honors Children’s Mental Health Month by asking what kids really need during loss, and why healing doesn’t follow a schedule — “grief has no timeline. It has no finish point.”

Reshma reminds us it’s not about big leaps, but small steps. And that the most loving thing we can do — for ourselves and each other — is to check in. Period.

Instagram: reshmakearney

Website: reshmakearney.com

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" - It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted! Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to info@mfupodcast.com. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

Send us a text

In this soulful and tender conversation, I sit down with Salima Saxton — relational dynamics coach, writer, performer, and co-host of the Women Are Mad podcast. Together, we unpack the quiet truths women carry — the roles we’ve played, the selves we’ve tucked away, and the longing to feel fully seen.
Salima reflects on how often she was "very, very busy making it all right for everybody else," and how "a lot of life is not neatly packaged up." She invites us to consider a powerful question: "What if you were asked to write your own eulogy — what would it say?"
This episode isn’t about fixing yourself — it’s about finding your way back. It’s about learning to leave the porch light on for your own return. Because as Salima says, "turning up as ourselves is really the superpower for all of us."
It’s a conversation to sit with — a gentle invitation to reconnect with the parts of you that have been waiting to be welcomed home.

Website:

salimasaxton.com

Instagram:

salimajsaxton

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" - It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted! Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to info@mfupodcast.com. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

Send us a text

This week on Middle Fingers Up, we’re holding space for a powerful voice during Ovarian Cancer Awareness Day — Alvina Nadeem, a South Asian woman, mother, wife, AI innovator, keynote speaker, and cancer survivor who reminds us that survival isn’t just about staying alive, but about reclaiming our voice.
She shares the mantra she carried as an immigrant woman in a male-dominated field — “I’ll show them” — and how that grit both protected and pressured her. We talk about trusting your gut, naming what feels off, and advocating for your body when silence feels safer.
“I needed to survive,” she says, “but I also didn’t want to make it hard for others.”
We unpack the toll of quiet strength, what it means to choose presence over pride, and how to honor your instincts when the system tells you otherwise.
This conversation isn’t just about one story — it’s a challenge to the systems and cultural silences that keep so many of us suffering quietly. From survival mode to self-defined healing, this episode affirms that we have the right to ask, to name, and to fight.

Instagram: coachalvina

TikTok: OCWARRIORQUEEN

Chai & Hope: South Asian Cancer Community

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" - It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted! Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to info@mfupodcast.com. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.