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Why is it so hard to just say "hi"? In this episode of The Mindfully Gay Podcast, John and Jerry take a thoughtful, honest look at kindness in queer male spaces--from the gym locker room to the neighborhood sidewalk to dating and hookup apps. They talk about those all-too-familiar moments when someone you've chatted with online pretends not to know you in person, when neighbors avoid eye contact, or when a simple "good morning" feels radical.
Drawing on their work as therapists and community builders, John and Jerry explore how social media, anonymity, politics, and COVID didn't create our disconnection--but absolutely amplified it. They ask a hard but necessary question:
Do we genuinely care about each other as queer men, or only about causes, bodies, and aesthetics?
You'll hear real stories from their clinical work with gay men who feel dismissed, invisible, and "not good enough" in queer spaces. John and Jerry push back against the myth that beauty, muscles, or popularity equal emotional health, reminding us that cruelty is never attractive--no matter how tight your abs are. Instead, they celebrate the quiet power of everyday courtesies: saying hello at the gym, checking in after someone shares they're caring for a sick parent, remembering birthdays, or introducing people to one another at community events.
They also get personal about their own introversion and social anxiety, describing how they psych themselves up to attend leather events, talk to strangers at the gym, or simply soften their facial expressions so they don't come off as standoffish. Along the way, they offer simple, doable practices for listeners who want to show up with more heart:
- Normalize your nervousness and remind yourself, "I'm okay--even when I'm anxious."
- Practice small pleasantries: a nod, a smile, a "How was your workout?"
- Stop taking every cold interaction personally by revisiting ideas from The Four Agreements.
- Treat apps like real life: if you wouldn't walk away mid-sentence in person, don't ignore people online.
- Put your phone away at meals or gatherings and actually talk to the humans in front of you.
- "Pass it forward": let one kind act ripple outward in your community.
At its core, this episode is a love letter to queer humanity. John and Jerry believe that queer folks are capable of profound empathy, compassion, and magic--we just need to dust it off, practice it, and give ourselves permission to show up differently. If you've ever felt invisible in queer spaces--or wondered how to help change the culture--this conversation is for you.
🎧 Listen to the audio episode on Apple Podcasts and Spotify--and don't forget to download it so you can revisit the conversation anytime.
📺 Watch the full video podcast on YouTube at Mindfully Gay Podcast and join us in the comments to share your own stories of kindness, rejection, and connection in queer spaces.
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Jan 28 20261 m