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Memory distortion is common in our human experience. It can be particularly relevant in crumbling relationships between parents and their adult children. Too often, what were once happy or benign memories morph - seemingly - suddenly into abusive and traumatic events. Parents are often caught off guard and sent reeling into a cycle of disbelief, anger, helplessness and pain.

To complicate matters further, outsiders can influence or drive the reconstructive process. Have you heard the terms Gaslighting and Cult of One? Check out those specific episodes for more information.

So, what is the difference between what we organically recall (reproductive memory) and the changed or revised version (reconstructive memory)?

The metamorphosis of memory can and does affect us all. If you think it doesn't happen to you, read things you wrote years ago. Consider a diary or your child's baby book. You will likely find discrepancies between what you wrote and when you recall. You might wonder if you mistakenly wrote things in the original document or if your memories have changed.

Revision of memory is a usual and natural human process. However, in the face of estrangement, transforming memory can and often does lead to disastrous outcomes.

Listen in to learn more about the differences and processes that take place. When you want more information and to explore this topic more deeply, look for the extended version.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

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A few years ago, in the middle years of our family's estrangement from my adult daughter and grandchildren, I adopted the phrase "Parent Partner.”

I borrowed the term from the early days of divorcing parents (remember Gweneth Paltro's divorce from Chris Martin?) working together to co-parent young children. The concept is that divorcing parent-partners choose to work collaboratively, in a friendly manner, to jointly parent young children. They may even vacation together, celebrate birthdays together, etc.

The separation we - the parents - experience from our maturing children is actually a close cousin to the concept of divorce. If we manage it well, it doesn't have to lead to estrangement.

The Oxford Dictionary defines divorce as " the separation or dissociation from something.” Isn’t this what happens as our children individuate from us in their young adult years? In my experience, it certainly felt like a divorce at times. Individuation is natural. It is natural for our adult children to separate from us as their primary family - to create their own separate lives.

So (insert shoulder shrug here), why not adapt proactively and intentionally in our relationship with our adult child?

This episode provides 10 tips for growing into the parent-partner role, including how to integrate our adult children's expectations and needs - in the face of today's complex world - so we can stay connected and actively involved in their lives - AND not risk estrangement.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

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In healthy and effective communication, the strategic use of apologies and explanations can significantly influence the outcome and effectiveness of our efforts to manage potential rifts in our relationships. Both play an essential role in maintaining trust, reducing confusion and ensuring seemingly small grievances don’t become catastrophic.

In this episode I provide a detailed explanation of how apologies and explanations function within the context of conflict management. In short, where apologies address the emotional aspects of a conflict, explanations tackle the rational side.

By understanding when and how to use each communication tool strategically, we can foster an environment of trust, clarity, and mutual respect, leading to a more healthy and mutually respectful relationship.

Listen to the shorter episode to hear a brief and specific explanation of the differences between an apology and an explanation.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.

In healthy and effective communication, the strategic use of apologies and explanations can significantly influence the outcome and effectiveness of our efforts to manage potential rifts in our relationships. Both play an essential role in maintaining trust, reducing confusion and ensuring seemingly small grievances don’t become catastrophic.

Where apologies address the emotional aspects of a conflict, explanations tackle the rational side. By understanding when and how to use each communication tool strategically, we can foster an environment of trust, clarity, and mutual respect, leading to a more healthy and mutually respectful relationship.

In this episode, I provide a brief and specific explanation of the differences between an apology and an explanation.

Listen to the extended episode to learn more about how and when to use each.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

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This Sunday in the US is Father's Day. Many families around the country will spend time celebrating their dads. But, the day can be difficult for our estranged dads - and research tells us that the same is true for many of their estranged adult children. For estranged dads and adult children, the day shines a spotlight on circumstances that led to their strained or fractured relationships.

Estranged relationships between any parent and their adult children are frequently incredibly painful and complex. There are differences between how moms and dads experience estrangement. So often, the moms lead the conversations when we meet or lead the effort to find help. It may appear that the dads are less affected. And yet we know dads are also hurting, scared and angry.

In this episode, I share findings from a reliable research study on fathers and estranged adult children. In particular, the research I reference in this episode comes from this article:

Parent–adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality - by Reczek, Stacey and Thomeer.

The Reczek study is unique because it is one of the few that used longitudinal data collected to examine national trends (including family estrangement) over time. The study began in 1979 with ongoing and supplemental study of the same group of people through 2020.

Take a few minutes to read the article if you're interested in the US statistics around father-adult child estrangement. The list of references at the end of the article provides an extensive treasure trove of scholarly articles, research-based books, and other resources.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

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Parenting doesn't end when our children grow into adulthood; it just evolves into a different phase with its own set of challenges. Parents often struggle with letting their children become independent adults. It can be hard to transition from being the primary decision-maker to taking a backseat role in their lives.

We are challenged to Let Go. We are faced with finding a new balance in how much support we provide and how much we honor our maturing children in their quest for independence. We face different and heavy financial concerns. Communication changes and boundaries shift.

We begin to experience empty nest syndrome and our adult relationships may shift without children at the center. And, last but not least, the expectations of both parents and adult children evolve.

In this episode, I begin to scratch the surface of this ominous and sometimes joyous stage of parenting. Grab a chair and take a listen. Thanks for joining in!

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

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The concept of gaslighting has become a common term over the past few years. So what is it and why is it that our adult children are quick to accuse parents of gaslighting?

Gaslighting is when someone says something convincingly and with authority puts into question another's perspective and experiences. Gaslighting pushes others to change their own thinking, beliefs, observations, and values. That, my friends, is gaslighting.

There are people in the world who believe the earth is flat (no offense if you are one of those people) even with all the evidence to the contrary. People have been to space and seen our planet - round and rotating. And, still, there are people who will argue and debate to convince others that we live on a slab.

More importantly, to how we communicate and interact with our adult children, we are often caught off guard when events, experiences, exchanges, and other aspects of family history are (seemingly) suddenly are described as hurtful, shaming, painful and perhaps even abusive.

It isn't unusual for parents to push back, and try to persuade their adult child that they "simply don't remember correctly". That might be true, and still we are called to listen and consider their perspective. So, how do we listen, consider and acknowledge there are different perspectives to what, for parents, has been factual and true?

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

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Estrangement is most accurately defined as a continuum of distancing. Estrangement in families refers to voluntarily or involuntarily distancing oneself from one or more family members or loved ones, usually due to significant conflicts or issues within the relationship. Checkout https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement to find a very helpful image of the estrangement continuum.

In cases other than those involving abuse or addiction, adult children who pull away from their parents and other family members often point to a lack of respectful communication and miscommunication as the underlying or last-straw problem. While every estrangement is unique and influenced by individual circumstances, some general themes exist. These themes appear regularly in the resources available to our adult children as they consider whether or how severely to estrange a loved one. And! When they consider reconnecting.

I've reviewed research studies, books, articles, and other resources for the past six years to understand these themes better. I talked with parents and adult children struggling in relationships, family systems therapists and estrangement experts. I also studied support resources for adult children seeking solutions to resolve their unraveling parental relationship – including estrangement. In short, I sought out any resource that focused on or related to the continuum of estrangement – and written for an audience of adult children.

In this episode, I share and discuss what I have found to be the most commonly considered relational aspects adult children consider as they pull away. And! When they consider reconnecting.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.