Rules of Estrangement

Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict

By: Joshua Coleman PhD

Narrated by: Fred Sanders

A guide for parents whose adult children have cut off contact that reveals the hidden logic of estrangement, explores its cultural causes, and offers practical advice for parents trying to reestablish contact with their adult children.

“Finally, here’s a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike.”—Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

Labeled a silent epidemic by a growing number of therapists and researchers, estrangement is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences of a parent's life. Popular opinion typically tells a one-sided story of parents who got what they deserved or overly entitled adult children who wrongly blame their parents. However, the reasons for estrangement are far more complex and varied. As a result of rising rates of individualism, an increasing cultural emphasis on happiness, growing economic insecurity, and a historically recent perception that parents are obstacles to personal growth, many parents find themselves forever shut out of the lives of their adult children and grandchildren.

As a trusted psychologist whose own daughter cut off contact for several years and eventually reconciled, Dr. Joshua Coleman is uniquely qualified to guide parents in navigating these fraught interactions. He helps to alleviate the ongoing feelings of shame, hurt, guilt, and sorrow that commonly attend these dynamics. By placing estrangement into a cultural context, Dr. Coleman helps parents better understand the mindset of their adult children and teaches them how to implement the strategies for reconciliation and healing that he has seen work in his forty years of practice. Rules of Estrangement gives parents the language and the emotional tools to engage in meaningful conversation with their child, the framework to cultivate a healthy relationship moving forward, and the ability to move on if reconciliation is no longer possible.

While estrangement is a complex and tender topic, Dr. Coleman's insightful approach is based on empathy and understanding for both the parent and the adult child.

life-saving or at least relationship saving

This is an exceptionally well-considered and well-presented book. Coleman, as he says in the afterward, speaks with two voices, one in each of his ears. He can hear the perspective of a parent or grandparent, longing to be reconnected with their child. And in the other ear he can hear with such clarity and empathy the voice of the child who feels a need to be separate.
Anybody who's going to look at this book probably does so because they've suffered the pain of estrangement. And I suspect, from my own experience and hearing Dr Coleman speak of others' experiences, that you've spent hours anguishing, wondering, reading, etc. This book brought me more clarity than hundreds of hours of that thinking, including useful conversations with really well meaning and thoughtful people.
The only thing better than reading the book, I imagine, would be spending time in family therapy with Joshua Coleman.

Must read for all parents!

Well written and at times brutally honest about the pain experienced by all parties involved. Provides step by step guide towards reconciliation and notes pitfalls to avoid. Excellent insights that are valuable to all parents... estranged or not.

Very helpful, must read

Halfway through listening, I bought 2 copies to reread. I see this book as a guide to help navigate an estranged family member. Thank you to the author for understanding making the topic of estrangement not so foreign.

Informative and helpful

Straight talk about estrangement, thank you. Never “clipped” so many sections while listening to books before.

This is a must listen to book!

I found the relief with compassion that this psychologist had for estranged parents so kind and understanding. Even though I do love the author to read the book, the narrator was wonderful and gentle