You’re Not Listening

What You’re Missing and Why It Matters

By: Kate Murphy

Narrated by: Kate Murphy

Brought to you by Penguin.

When was the last time you listened to someone, or someone really listened to you?

This life-changing book will transform your conversations forever

As a society, we’ve forgotten how to listen. Modern life is noisy and frenetic, and technology provides constant distraction. So we tune things out or listen selectively – even to those we love most. We’ve become scared of other people’s points of view, and of silence.

Now more than ever, we need to listen to those around us. New York Times contributor Kate Murphy draws on countless conversations she has had with everyone from priests to CIA interrogators, focus group moderators to bartenders, her great-great aunt to her friend's toddler, to show how only by listening well can we truly connect with others.

Listening is about curiosity and patience – about asking the right questions in the right way. Improvisational comedians and con men are much better at it than most of us. And the cleverest people can be the worst at it. Listening has the potential to transform our relationships and our working lives, improve our self-knowledge, and increase our creativity and happiness. While it may take some effort, it's a skill that can be learnt and perfected.

When all we crave is to understand and be understood, You're Not Listening shows us how.

© Kate Murphy 2020 (P) Penguin Audio 2020

Critic reviews

The premise of this book couldn't be more timely... inspiringly profound… Smart and playful... It feels like a reiteration of something essential... Murphy is here to remind us – entertainingly and compellingly – exactly why it matters so much, especially right now. Hear, hear. (Viv Groskop)

Gripping from start to finish... brilliant…extraordinarily interesting…full of meat and gold. (Chris Evans)

Fiercely topical... You're Not Listening is an intriguing and constructive take on the problem... and a manual for better communication. Murphy’s book is intelligent and thought-provoking… Listening is when someone take a real interest in who you are…a moment of attunement and understanding that sticks in both heads. We could all do with some of that. (Melanie Reid)

It’s time for a spot of re-education... A fascinating guide to something we assume we do automatically, yet for the most part do very badly... The art of listening is really the art of being human. (Stephen Moss)

We are losing this most crucial, arguably, of our skills in the modern world... I'll be adopting Murphy's advice... and I will be employing "support" responses everywhere. (Charlotte Edwardes)

As any Samaritans volunteer will tell you, learning to listen properly can change lives — your own included. You’re Not Listening perfectly describes a problem a lot of us face in the smartphone age, and how to fix it. (Holly Brockwell)

Murphy has correctly identified a problem... This isn't a neo-Luddite manifesto, urging us to wean ourselves decisively off our phones, but it is a useful reminder that happiness often lies elsewhere. (Amelia Gentleman)

This lively book makes an impassioned plea for listening… an instructive and thought-provoking book that will help readers think about the way they frame questions and responses to forge intimacy. (Emma Jacobs)

In an age of echo chambers and multiple narratives, there is a lot of noise going on but very little listening. In this insightful, cogently reasoned book, Murphy extols the myriad virtues of this underused skill... A thoughtful, eloquent volume that could transform not just your relationships but your own worldview as well. (Waterstones Best Non-fiction Books for 2020)

If you’re like most people, you don’t listen as often or as well as you’d like. There’s no one better qualified than a talented journalist to introduce you to the right mindset and skillset - and this book does it with science and humour. (Adam Grant)

my review

loved it!!!! I thought I was a better listener than I am!! I will be trying harder!

Good content

I learnt the importance of being a good listener in communications. I am expecting more for the methods to be a good listener

A must read for everyone

A great book, highly recommend. Easy “read” with a wealth of knowledge. This book will be valuable for anybody, in any career!

listen more... start here

was a book that I needed to consider... the outcome was motivation to listen to the world.

I hope to be better at listening!

Acknowledged some behaviours within myself that are not useful... now to work on being a better listener!