Why Won't You Apologize?

Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

By: Harriet Lerner PhD PhD

Narrated by: Cassandra Campbell

“If you want to know why Harriet Lerner is one of my great heroes, Why Won’t You Apologize? is the answer. This book is a game changer.” —Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Rising Strong

“Harriet Lerner is one hell of a wise woman. She draws you in with deft and engaging prose, and then changes your life with her rigorous intelligence and her deeply human advice. I promise that you will never see ‘the apology’ in quite the same way.” —Esther Perel, MA, LMFT author of Mating in Captivity

Renowned psychologist and bestselling author of The Dance of Anger sheds new light on the two most important words in the English language—I’m sorry—and offers a unique perspective on the challenge of healing broken connections and restoring trust.

Dr. Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies—and why some people won’t give them—for more than two decades. Now she offers compelling stories and solid theory that bring home how much the simple apology matters and what is required for healing when the hurt we’ve inflicted (or received) is far from simple. Readers will learn how to craft a deeply meaningful “I’m sorry” and avoid apologies that only deepen the original injury.

Why Won’t You Apologize? also addresses the compelling needs of the injured party—the one who has been hurt by someone who won’t apologize, tell the truth, or feel remorse. Lerner explains what drives both the non-apologizer and the over-apologizer, as well as why the people who do the worst things are the least able to own up. She helps the injured person resist pressure to forgive too easily and challenges the popular notion that forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind. With her trademark humor and wit, Lerner offers a joyful and sanity-saving guide to setting things right.

Great read for all

The inability to apologize effectively can be more damaging than the original error. This book details what a good apology sounds like, take full responsibility, none of that “I’m sorry you feel I should have done better” which puts them blame on the injured party for being too needy, or the “I could have done more” which makes the person who erred feel better about themselves while not making things better at all because in any situation anyone could do more.The party who caused the harm does not get to demand that the injured party “get over it” immediately now that they have been so magnanimous. The truth is some hurts can’t be fixed and the one to apologize needs to accept that the injured party may no longer feel the same about person or the relationship. It’s possible that the last injury might just be the one that finally makes one feel the relationship is not worth maintaining, and decide to go on with their lives without it.
We’ve all been on both sides of this and I think it’s helpful to realize our words and actions have consequences, and demanding we be forgiven is not part of an effective apology. That said, a sincere apology can be extremely healing and can make relationships stronger. Obviously we have all made mistakes, a true apology is just the right thing to do regardless of whether or not the other person decides to forgive.

Healing and Hope through a Healthy Apology

I decided to get this book on Audible after listening to a podcast from Brene Brown who was interviewing Harriet Lerner about the importance of not only making an apology, but the pitfalls and ways we can do them wrongly and how they can be harmful.

I ended up listening to the entire book in one day because I just kept wanting to know more. I have experienced lots of childhood shame and trauma and if struggled with making apologies and forgiving others who have wronged and harmed me my most of my life. I continued in that same thinking that there was something wrong with me and trying to work hard atsaying I was sorry even though it led me to feel like there was something wrong with me.

This book was insightful, challenging, validating and motivating. There are lots of practical ways to correct wrong apologies, understand how shame prevents healthy apologies, the challenges of self-deception and how to work towards good and healthy apologies.

very insightful

All the things I didn't know I needed to hear. Some were what I expected, others were harder to accept. Apologizing is a big part of growing and nurturing relationships. This book helps break down how to do it with meaning and selflessness.

Great Listen

The reader was very clear, and good sound quality. Well orated, examples are helpful. This book sheds light on a challenging concept.

Everyone needs to read this, you won’t be disappointed

This book will give you opportunities to think about relatable situations and walks you through a good apology. This will open your eyes to how an apology should be, both for you to give and receive.