Silent Agreements

How to Free Your Relationships of Unspoken Expectations

By: Linda D. Anderson PhD, Sonia R. Banks PhD, Michele L. Owens PhD

Narrated by: Bahni Turpin

Length: 6 hrs and 41 mins

Publisher's summary

Silent Agreements will help listeners define the unspoken beliefs and expectations that might be causing dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and resentment in their relationships, giving them the tools to explore these agreements and work toward healthier communication with a partner, friend, boss, or family member.

If you have relationships, you've likely been part of silent agreements. Silent agreements are the implicit "rules" of your relationships that arise from unspoken beliefs and expectations that both parties hold, stemming from your earliest experiences and reinforced as you mature. They can sound something like "the person who makes more money should pay for the dates," or "my boss doesn't offer me a raise, and he knows I won't ask for one". These agreements can hinder your relationships, remaining undiscussed due to fear, aversion to conflict, feelings of obligation, or guilt. Because expectations so rarely line up and neither person will address the issue, a silent agreement can cause unhappiness and resentment on both sides.

Clinical psychologists Drs. Anderson, Banks, and Owens will help you explore your agreements and work toward healthier communication with a partner, friend, boss, or family member. In the process, you'll learn more about your own motivations and how to dismantle the the beliefs that don't serve you. With guidelines and advice on how to have productive conversations about sex, money, commitment, family, the workplace, and health, this book will help you lift the silence and resolve those land-mine issues before they do irreparable damage.

©2019 Linda D. Anderson, Sonia R. Banks, Michele L. Owens (P)2019 Random House Audio

Critic reviews

“Fear is a great silencer that restrains vulnerable engagement, the absence of which leads to profound and painful complications. The authors of Silent Agreements unearth this widespread phenomenon with great clarity and offer a well-thought-out process that makes truth sharing possible and healing. We recommend this book to anyone who is having conversations in their head that they are keeping to themselves.” (Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD, authors of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples)

“The insightful authors of Silent Agreements offer clarity on how we can approach and resolve those challenging unspoken issues between ourselves and others without fear. They will help illuminate new pathways of understanding, and foster open communication in all your relationships. I recommended this very helpful book for anyone who is committed to creating happy, healthy relationships." (Katherine Woodward Thomas, New York Times best-selling author of Conscious Uncoupling)

"What a cogent, insightful look at how the agreements we think are presumed and assumed by the very people we most want to understand us rarely are because of what never gets said. This wise book gives profound voice to the inner silences that can trip up all of our relationships, be they with loved ones or workplace partners. A must read for those wanting to be truly heard." (Audrey Edwards, coauthor of Children of the Dream: The Psychology of Black Success)

Thank you

This is a tremendous work filled with little nuggets of knowledge the reader can take with them.

Example Stories

The author explains what silent agreements are and then uses story examples from different categories (relationships, health, money, ect). The stories helped me picture the character of silent agreements, how they begin, and how to healthily talk about them. I recognized where they've taken place in my own life (and, praise be to God, where they easily could have taken place, but God provided the space and people for open communication and gracious hearts). I listened to the book in only one or two days.

Struggled to listen

I didn't care for the narration. I found it grating. The subject matter was very depressing.