Why Does He Do That?

Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

By: Lundy Bancroft

Narrated by: Peter Berkrot

Length: 13 hrs and 32 mins

Publisher's summary

He says he loves you. So...why does he do that? You've asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men---and to change your life. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men shows you how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship. You will learn about:

• The early warning signs
• Ten abusive personality types
• The role of drugs and alcohol
• What you can fix, and what you can't
• How to get out of a relationship safely

©2002 Lundy Bancroft (P)2011 Tantor

Critic reviews

"This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended for all libraries, especially those in communities with emergency shelter programs." ( Library Journal)

Gives deep understanding of an illusive problem!

Where does Why Does He Do That? rank among all the audiobooks you’ve listened to so far?

The author speaks from experience, years worth, and you can hear the truth ringing in his words. He uncovers the roots of this problem so you can see them clearly. If you've tried to communicate your experience but just can't seem to find compassion or understanding from others then listen to this book. I have taken huge leaps forward in just a week! This book has stopped the churning wheels of my mind in analyzing and trying to understand my spouse. I moved out 3 weeks ago (before reading this) because I was finally able to focus on finding REST. I could not battle in my home any more. I began seeing my husband as a good guy again right away and was tempted to go right back. This book has given me solid perspective that has helped me see through my emotional response. Sadly, control is not love. Don't suffer alone, listen to this book.

What other book might you compare Why Does He Do That? to and why?

I've never found one.

What about Peter Berkrot’s performance did you like?

He has a nice authoritative voice.

What insight do you think you’ll apply from Why Does He Do That??

It helps tremendously to understand what style(s) of "abuser" my husband is. My mind has stopped constantly searching for understanding. I don't have enough experience or frame of reference to draw good conclusions but thankfully Lundy Bancroft does. Also my emotions were distorting my experiences...ex. "surely, it's not that bad", "doesn't everyone experience this?", "maybe I'm not submissive enough" and on and on. This book is less about giving advice and more about sharing years worth of experience and highlighting commonalities among abusive men. Rather than feeling like your thoughts have been manipulated into thinking a certain way (again) you feel like someone has come along with a big flashlight and helped you see so you can find your way back onto a path of having a healthy sense of self and identity and maybe even health, peace and joy!

Any additional comments?

If you have an inkling that there is verbal abuse in your relationship DO listen to this book!

EYE OPENER

Any additional comments?

Very informative , every woman being should know this book as soon as possible in their life . Especially when they never or very little had received advises from their mothers .
I wish to have more audiobooks of L.Bancroft as a continuing self education on the subject with exactly the same excellent high quality performance on reading.
I am lessening the book second time - Superb Job !!
5 STARS and RISING !!

WOW a very powerful messages for our daughters.

Where does Why Does He Do That? rank among all the audiobooks you’ve listened to so far?

Lundy invites you in to the mind of the Abusive partner. He dispels myths and solidifies facts He describes the different kinds of abuser and why they do what they do, simultaneously delivers a message of hope for the abused and words of encouragement, Anyone who has been the victim or has a loved one that is in an abusive relationship.should read this book it has been a powerful tool in my journey.

Definitely helpful, but not without flaws.

I think this book gives a lot of great insight into the thought processes of abusers and outlining ways to help victims and for them to help themselves.

However, I believe it does perpetuate some of the patriarchal values that it obliquely recognizes as the source of abusive attitudes. It spends a portion of one chapter countering the idea that abusers of women hate women, but then attributes abuse to values and beliefs that devalue women. Just call a spade a spade! Abusers of women are misogynists!

And in the sections where the author points out that a common tactic of abusers is to paint their victim as an abuser, he attempts to discredit this idea by dismissing the idea of male abuse victims as absurd. Yes, the author often yadda yadda’s “men can be victims too” but the underlying patriarchal caveat “but not often and they shouldn’t be” frequently creeps out. On several occasions, the author basically says even when a women does assault a man, that he doesn’t or shouldn’t feel intimidated or hurt by it.

Essentially, this book is a useful resource, but be wary of the insidious language that at times reinforces damaging social ideas.

Simply amazing every woman and man should read!!!

This is just simply on eyeopening experience to take into the way our society is going. Every attorney, judge, man, woman, teacher, religious leader, and everyone should have read this!!! If you know anyone that is a woman that is a sister, grandmother, mother, cousin, sister-in-law or anyone that is going through abuse in any form. Please direct them to this book!!!

Tough Listen, But Tougher Still to Have Lived Any Part of This Abuse

Listened to gain better insight to the abuse suffered by a friend and her steps to escape, recover, heal, and move on with her life. Thank you.

Very enlightening

Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship, this book gave me a ton of insight into my partner and a real understanding of how to decide whether to stay or go.

Absolutely brilliant

It’s like a bright light bulb has gone off in my head. I finally can let go of all feelings of guilt and remorse I have for my ex partners consequences he is now facing with the legal system for abusing me. His abuse was a choice. Not a loss of control. He has an abuse problem. Not an anger problem. I wish that I had read this book before I began dating at all. When my children are of age, both genders, will be reading this book.

It's like Bancroft's been following me for 10 yrs!

This was a very insightful and empowering read. It is a miserable existence for an abuser and even more so for the victims. Every woman (or man) in this type of relationship should read this. This should be a "must read" for every marriage counselor (so that they understand that abuse is not a "couples" problem - it is an abuse problem) and every leader of a church. It is very sad to realize that this is the type of relationship you are in, but empowering in knowing that your gut feeling was right all along - this behavior is not normal.

Eye opening

For many years I was meant to believe that domestic abuse was related to hitting a partner. This book is an eye opening and a must read for any man/woman who has been warned by friends or family that their significant other might have anger issues. This goes way beyond that.
Overall, it hits many backgrounds and cultures so any one can identify with.