Episode 47: Reliability and Regulation in Parenting

In this episode of Plan P: Parents Helping Parents Pivot Perspectives we deep dive into the concepts of reliability and regulation, focusing on how they impact our relationships, especially with adolescents. We'll break down these terms, explore their significance, and discuss how they shape effective parenting and personal growth.

Reliability in parenting means being dependable and consistent. During adolescence, this reliability becomes crucial as teenagers are navigating significant changes and seeking stability.

Before we can effectively regulate others, especially our children, we need to understand and master self-reliance and self-regulation. This foundational understanding helps us approach parenting with greater empathy and effectiveness.

Sending Understanding and Hope your way!

XO Sarah and Quinn

Listen for the weekly practice.

If you have a question or topic that you’d like us to speak to, just send an email to connect@planp.us

Links & Resources:

• “The truth of these years reminds us of the importance of changing ourselves as our children change.” from Between Parent and Teen by Haim G. Gingott first published in 1969
• Get Out of My Life but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall? by Anthony E. Wolf
• The Beauty of a Darker Soul by Joshua Mantz
• The Chaos Imperative by Ori Brafman and Judah Pollackm(no relation:)
• Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project

#parentingteens #parentingatween #parentingayoungadult #troubledteen #kindandfirmparenting #podcast #newepisode #parenting #boundaries #findingjoyinthejourney

Personalize Your Plan

Parenting adolescents can be challenging emotionally as we navigate their development. Humans, and human parents, can take things personally, especially when it comes to our children's behaviors and reactions.

When parenting through the preteen, teen and young adult years a crucial question is HOW do we want to personalize, HOW do we want to attach? Connecting to- not cutting off from- your beloved child who is literally physiologically designed to be pushing off into their new adult existence and away from you requires some new skills. In this episode we talk about finding the nuanced balance between being involved and giving space for growth.

Ghandi said “Detachment is not indifference; it is a prerequisite for effective involvement.”

Listen as we discuss how to fulfill that prerequisite-how to build up rather than tear down your relationship with your adolescent child.

Practice:

Personalize your parenting plan by bringing awareness to what your mind is full of. Are you aware when you are taking something personally? If you are taking it that way, do you want to take it personally or step back to consider other possibilities that exist?

Resources

I feel statement

Fundamentals of Adlerian Psychology by Rudolph Dreikurs

Troubled by Kenneth R. Rosen

Life is in the Transitions by Bruce Feiler

Have you listened to the Plan P is for Parents Playlist on Spotify? Just added to the playlist “Just the Two of Us” “and you can cry, ain’t no shame in it”

Are you ready to work with a coach to find the Plan that feels right for you? Start on your personalized path here.

Yes You CAN

There are many actionable steps which parents CAN take to mitigate the negative effects of social media. Introducing three healthy C’s: Compassion, Communication, Collaboration which when used consistently can have positive effects.

We’re back, and so is the Surgeon General who is considering placing warnings on social media due to addiction concerns. Social media has a pervasive impact on parents and in this episode we discuss what parents can’t and also can do given the addictive nature of social media algorithms and its implications.

How do we wean our children? Sounds like a throwback question? Welcome to the 2020s, parenting the teen years and the adolescent brain, and tech. Listen and learn tips for genuine connection beyond virtual platforms. Strategies for gradually reducing screen time and social media use.

PRACTICE

Engage and encourage self compassion.

Don’t forget to share this with other parents and we’ll “connect” again in two weeks, or whenever you schedule your complimentary session.

The 3 C’s of Engagement, in order of use:

Compassion

Communication

Collaboration

References:

Stolen Focus by Johann Hari

Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

NYT article Surgeon General Calls for Warning Labels on Social Media Platforms

Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker

Set boundaries. Find peace. by Nedra Glover Tawaab

What You Permit You Promote

In this episode we discuss the permission slips we give when we allow behaviors. Parents get accustomed to doing something for their child when the child could actually do it themselves as they age.

We parents, all parents we would dare to say, sometimes allow our children to wear us down until we give them what they want. We say to ourselves and others “It’s just not a battle I’m going to fight.” When we engage in this manner, parents are sending a signal of tolerating behaviors, actions and choices. When we give permission, we are in some ways unconsciously encouraging and promoting.

What behaviors do you want to promote, and how are you promoting those? We parents want our children to know that we are reliable. Often, we make want to make sure that they know that they can rely upon us. We also want them to be self-reliant. As they are growing up and being promoted to legal adults this can be a balancing act. One is reliable when one is consistent.

Listen to hear how to promote the relationships that you want, based on your values.

Practice: Reflect on your own parenting practices regarding permission and promotion of behaviors. Pay attention to when you say yes/give permission.

resources

Recovering my Kid Joseph Lee

Set boundaries. Find peace. a guide to reclaiming yourself Nedra Glover Tawaab

Chris Curtis on Discipline and Mindset

The Price of Privilege Madeline Levine

Unaddicted Nzinga Harrison

Care of Self

Self-Care reminders are ev-er-y-where!! We like to take things apart and putting care in front of self is something that we talk about all the time with parents. We have met many parents who reassure us that they have a lot of self-care practices, and they are still struggling.

Putting care first can be harder than we think. What it first offers is the opportunity to explore who that self is. Who are YOU? What do YOU want which is about you and you alone? You’re a parent, we know you are giving care, and we know that you are working. Who is that Self and what kind of care are you giving them?

Care of self involves being aware of your WHOLE self-mental, emotional, physical and spiritual and then practicing that care consistently. Self-care is ultimately an investment in the parental person-you. It is NOT selfishSelf-care can also be work! Going to the gym? Yeah, if only there was a magic pill for strength building. Setting boundaries? That is work and holding them takes even more strength!

Doing your own work allows you to stay loving towards others. It allows parents to consider is they are enabling or empowering with their actions and choices. Modeling responsible adult behavior-going to the doctor, the dentist, the gym, your therapist, your coach all show your child what it means to be a well balanced, caring, independent adult.

Practice: What are you willing to Invest in for your self?

And, this could be viewed as self-promotion, but it’s broader. Parenting is hard. Growth is messy. If you are reading this and you are not working with a parent coach once a week or every other week, change that. Find a coach-any parent coach, you deserve that care!

Set Boundaries, Find Peace a guide to reclaiming yourself Nedra Glover Tawwab

Life Is In The Transitions Bruce Feiler

Last Day Podcast

Sarah is still looking for where she read about eating disorders being one of the ways that teens try to build their autonomy…but, in the meantime, if that statement piqued you, get in touch, she’ll look harder!

Producing and Practicing

Can we all agree, parenting anxious adolescents can be anxiety producing! This week we’re talking about Jonathan Haidt’s latest book, The Anxious Generation. Parents are afraid, schools are stressed, and no surprise, trickle down anxiety, there’s an entire generation awash in anxiety...and the cycle goes around again. It makes total sense that parents are scared given everything that is going on with kids and, well, everything! Parents want what’s best for their kids. We want to keep them safe.

The truth is that humans, and particularly teens, need new experiences in order to learn and grow. Social media and screens are so much a part of all of our lives. What do we learn from them? What are the kids learning from them? Parents can participate by doing their part-consciously connecting with other humans, and disconnecting from devices. There are ways that parents can invite their kids to roam free- while also maintaining boundaries; let them explore, and also build connections within the home.

We humans are pack animals. We are designed to be together. Exploring how and where to create spaces where in-person communities are present is an opportunity awaiting us all!

PRACTICE:

Keep an eye out for opportunities to give your kid real life interactions, places where they put their phones down and make eye contact in communities

1. Family meals
2. Game nights
3. Consider speaking with parents or administrators about taking the bold step of making school a phone free environment, the kids will balk, but they’re adaptable!
4. What other ideas do you have?

References

Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

What is a belief? Beliefs are personal, not right or wrong. To believe that there are things we will never understand can be a challenge. Our beliefs about things outside our control inform our attitudes, they can cause us pain and despair, and also joy and release. What we humans can do is shift our attitude. Understanding that we do not hold all control requires a letting go. Believing that there is something, anything, that exists outside of us humans-a spirit, a god, an energy, the stars, flowers, whales, the ocean might not make sense, but it makes sense to let go of what we aren’t actually controlling. Neural plasticity allows us to change our attitudes, which in turn impacts our relationships with ourselves and others. What do you want to believe? We get to make different choices.

PRACTICE: Pay Attention/Bring Awareness to the small things that happen or you observe that don’t make sense.

• A parking spot opens up
• You see someone you were thinking about
• Anything unexpected makes you smile or feel happy
• Coincidences
• You notice a beautiful weed/flower popping through the cement
• Keep it going…..

The Awakened Brain by Lisa Miller (that Sarah believes you should read, but understands others are entirely free to believe differently)

Acronym: F.A.I.T.H Finding Answers In The Heart

Playlist Addition Don’t Stop Believing

Plugging into the Power (of Pausing)

Pausing is a great way to invite an adolescent (or, okay, anyone!) into a conversation. Pausing when you are interacting with a preteen, teen or young adult can be hard, they move fast! How do you plug into the pause depends upon the situation and the individuals.

Feeling like a Pushmi-Pullyu, pushing and pulling and going nowhere? Have you tried pushing back- not pushing back to what your child is saying, but just pushing back from the conversation, pushing back from the table and saying “Thank you. I’m full.”, rather than “I can’t take another minute of this!” Pushing back does not have to be pushing away, it can just be the pause that the moment needs.

Pushing back can give space, and the space between is where we connect. When we’re in our children’s face it’s hard to actually connect, ditto if we’re on their back. Holding on by stepping back may not feel intuitive. Face to face, with space, is a good place to be, and to pause to let others feel seen and heard.

Plugging into the pause is where the change can happen, and things can be brought to light.

PRACTICE: practice using the 5 second rule. When in conversation, pause for 5 seconds. Just try it. It may feel like an eternity, but try it. Savoring the moment.

Resources

SAMHSA recovery statistics

NPR: There is life after addiction: Most People Recover

CRAFT

Flyawayproductions “Tell me where it hurts.” Is not in this clip, but, honestly, this brief video will give you a beautiful, heartfelt, real pause in your day, and you deserve that.

“They speak of my drinking but never of my thirst.” The Menzingers

C.O.P.E. Consider Other Perspectives Exist (craving easy to grab reminders? Acronym Aides)