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A viral video has emerged of Joe Rogan spending 20 minutes in an ice bath. You know, it's nice to see Rogan finally shriveling something else besides the minds of his listeners.

In the UK, a Brad Pitt look-alike says he had to delete dating apps after being "stalked" by women. Apparently it got real bad when he wouldn't be left alone by a Jennifer Aniston look alike. And you know what? It's exactly the same for us "Sprint Guy" lookalikes. Exactly the same.

Did you guys catch this? LeVar Burton's Jeopardy guest-hosting debut was overshadowed by something bizarre: a contestant's points sank to negative $7,400 and broke the record for lowest score ever. Dang! Looks like someone never watched Reading Rainbow!

In professional wrestling news, Chris Jericho had his face grated by a pizza slicer in a bizarre, gruesome match. Even more painful and gross, Jericho was then forced to eat a slice of Papa John's.

Listen up, Olympics fans! Forget the human athletes, because this basketball robot stole the show by sinking perfect half-court shots and 3-pointers. Apparently the beta versions were all painted white and it couldn't hit a single shot, but painting them black fixed the issue. Part of me is scared by this kind of technology, but the other part of me wants to know: is it available this Saturday to play in my pick up game?

Finally, Ben Affleck was caught in a paparazzi photo grabbing himself a handful of J Lo as they chilled on a yacht. No word yet on whether J Lo grabbed herself a handful of Ben's Beantown. Oh I'm getting an update: it was actually a rehearsal for the new movie Batman vs. Superbutt.

Check this out. The latest Biden gaffe is, Joe claims he used to drive an 18-wheeler. Maybe he's thinking of an Amtrak train? They have at least 18 wheels. Oh, I'm getting an update: he now claims he remembers when there weren't any wheels.

In White House news, Biden has ordered immigration judges to stop using the term "alien". Instead, they must now use the term "future democrat".

Did you guys catch this? Donald Trump said LeBron James should get "sex reassignment surgery" and compete in women's sports. Looks like someone leaked to Trump the script for Space Jam 3.

This is scary. According to a new poll, 47% of Republicans say the time will come "to take the law into our own hands". I guess they have no choice because Trump's hands aren't big enough to take anything. Anyway, for more on this story, check out NBC's newest show, Law and Mental Disorder.

Finally, here's something that made me giggle. The newest trend in the dominatrix community is demanding their submissives get vaxxed. I guess that explains Joe Biden's new wardrobe choices.

In Insurrection news, the Capitol rioter known as the "QAnon Shaman" is negotiating a deal to plead guilty under reduced charges due to a mental health disorder. Woah, woah, woah. You're telling me this guy has a screw loose? I can't see it. Here's something gross. A video has emerged showing a woman's landlord sneaking into her room and sniffing her sheets. In his defense, he said he had Covid and this is the best way to get back his sense of smell.

In Jeff Bezos news, America's least favorite billionaire is back from space, but check this out-- the FAA trolled him by changing the rules that same day so he is not technically an astronaut, since he did not personally handle flight safety. I doubt Jeff cares anyway. He prefers the term "space cowboy"

Did you guys catch this? Twitter is testing a feature that allows people to down-vote tweets they don't like. Finally, a way to be negative on twitter! I've been waiting so long.

Here's something scary. For the first time ever, scientists have witnessed chimps killing gorillas. Hollywood is already working on a movie about it, and the working title is "Bonzo vs Koko: Jungle Cage Match".

Finally, something for your nightmares. The newest trend in the crocheting community is making life-like babies out of fabric. Ironically once you see one it will take you 9 months to recover from it. And for an extra $100, you can even get one that won't murder your entire family while you sleep!

In New Jersey, a girl was caught on video on an amusement park ride getting smacked in the face by a seagull. In a related story, the Seagull News Network, SNN, says there's an alarming up-tick in human girls getting in the way while you're trying to fly away from New Jersey.

In the Netherlands, there's a new record for the world's most-expensive burger; at $7k a plate. Wow, inflation is getting out of control. Apparently it comes with King Crab, Dom Perignon-battered onion rings, Italian White Truffle, Beluga Caviar, gold-crusted saffron, and Macallan single-malt Rare Cask scotch -infused BBQ sauce. Know what it doesn't come with? A safe to lock it up in.

Listen up, MMA fans. Conor McGregor seems to have gotten over his recent UFC loss and broken leg, because he just got a $3.5M Lamborghini yacht. Good to see he's gotten his sea legs. Sorry, sea "leg".

In Toronto, a gym called Fearless Boxing has banned entry to anyone who HAS been vaccinated. I guess the only thing fearless there now is the coronavirus itself. My sources say in order to prove you haven't been vaccinated, they make you bring a low scoring IQ test result.

Finally, Taco Bell's menu has been hit hard by shortages of many ingredients, including chicken, beef, tortillas and hot sauce. But don't worry, even without any of those things they can probably still make you a Naked Chicken Chalupa to their same high standards of quality. God knows what the hell is in there.

Good news, emoji fans. There will be several new emojis later this year-- including a pregnant man. It's perfect for everyday scenarios like when your friend says "whatcha doing" and you don't have the energy to write back "I'm watching that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, JUNIOR."

In nutrition news, food experts are reminding people that Pringles, Pop Tarts, Fruit by the Foot, Ritz Crackers, Bagels, and Swedish Fish, are all part of a Vegan diet. I guess that's true, but guess what? If you eat nothing but those things, it's also all part of getting diabetes!

Here's something weird. A voice actor who does impersonations of The Rock has revealed that he is in a "throuple" with a wife and a lover, all living together. The wife wants to leave but says she's stuck between The rock and a hard place. I give it 6 months before they're all in throuples therapy.

In Ohio, a state trooper used the Heimlich maneuver to save a driver from choking on a bag of weed. That's crazy-- a cop actually helping someone who couldn't breathe!?

Finally, some good news from the scene of the Florida condo collapse tragedy: a family was reunited after 2 weeks with their missing cat, Binx. Oh I'm getting an update: once the authorities discovered the cat was related to Jar Jar it was placed right back into the rubble.

In Malaysia, police destroyed 1,069 bitcoin mining computers with a huge steamroller. Asked how he felt when he heard about this, Elon Musk said "it's difficult").

In the UK, a pair of underwear once worn by Hitler's wife sold for $4k at auction. The sick part is, you just know whoever bought them is wearing them right now.

In the UK, a man is lucky to be alive after using what he thought was an electric shaver but turned out to be a taser. Not so lucky: it was the one day a month that he shaves his balls.

In Norway, the official beach volleyball commissioner has threatened fines if female athletes wear shorts covering more than 10cm of their butts. In retaliation, the female athletes have pledged to each gain 100 pounds.

Finally, in South Korea, a new toilet turns your poop into electricity and bitcoin. Wow, people kept telling me I needed to get into Bitcoin, but now I realize it's been inside of me all along!

In Fox News news, the network aired a bizarre segment where they had on Candace Owen's brother, Ty Smith, who claims that slavery was "never a race thing". Way to go Fox News, you finally found someone crazier than Candace Owens. Amazing to have all that dumb in one family. Check this out. In insurrection news, while raiding the home of a Jan 6 rioter, the FBI found a perfect built-to-scale model of the US Capitol, made out of LEGOs. The guy was charged with 10 counts of being a huge nerd. Apparently the only thing life-sized about the model was Donald Trump's hands. As punishment, he must disassemble it and walk on the pieces barefoot. Ouch! Did you guys catch this? The Pentagon has decided to cancel a $10B Microsoft cloud computing project codenamed "JEDI". In response, Microsoft said "Unfortunately, you cannot end a JEDI, you'll only make it more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

Here's something fun. Matt Damon says he studied MAGA mentality while preparing for his latest acting role in the movie "Stillwater". It was actually pretty similar to his character Jason Bourne, because most Trump supporters often wake up not knowing absolutely anything going on. Finally, according to a new book, Trump repeatedly told chief of staff John Kelly that "Hitler did a lot of good things." Reality check, most historians agree that Hitler only did two good things: killing himself, and ruining charlie chaplin's mustache.