Creating a Foundation of Trust by Building a Safe Environment

Trust is the foundation of your mentoring relationship. Above all else, your mentee has to believe that you are good and that you want them to succeed.

The author Stephen Covey says “Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”

But what if your mentee has experienced hard times? What if there is trauma in their past or they have been betrayed by those who should have been taking care of them?

Because of their histories, it is often difficult for these children to trust the loving adults in their lives, which often results in perplexing behaviors.

While a variety of mentoring strategies may be successful with some children, children with histories of harm need caregiving that meets their unique needs and addresses the whole child.

That is why even some of the most successful parents are confused when what worked with their child does not work with their mentee.

Trust must be established between the mentor and the mentee before you can take any steps of progress in your mentoring relationship. And it can take some time. The reality is that some mentees trust their mentor in three weeks while it takes others over a year. But we can’t give up. We must continue to show up to build trust.

The best way to build trust is to create a safe environment.

Get down on their level.

Make eye contact with them.

Give them space and go at their pace.

Smile often.

Give appropriate touch.

Use words of affirmation often.

Undivided attention.

Be patient.

When your mentee raises their emotions, you stay calm. Listen to them.

This works with eight year olds and eighteen year olds. Even if they look like grown adults, we must always remember that they are still children on the inside.

This safe environment will create a nurturing relationship built on a foundation of trust.

For some of our kids, they are used to adults telling them all that they are doing wrong. Some rarely see an adult smile and take time out of their day to notice them. You get to be the exception.

Keep showing up with a smile on their face. Create a safe environment. Be a stable, consistent adult that they can count on. If your mentee lives in a world where chaos and instability is their normal, meet them with peace and stability.

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All Frustration Comes From Unmet Expectations

There is a temptation in mentoring to try to get your mentee to emulate all that worked for you. You want your mentee to go to college, get a job, wear a suit, and get married because you went to college, got a job, wore a suit, and got married. But what if your mentee doesn’t want to go to college? What if instead of a suit and high-and-tight haircut, he prefers baggy jeans and dreadlocks? Will you be disappointed?

A saying that rings true especially when mentoring kids from hard places is, “All frustration comes from unmet expectations.” I know for me, I had unspoken expectations that I placed on my mentee without even knowing it.

I expected them to make good grades, to be polite, and to have athletic success. I wanted them to dress a certain way, speak a certain way, and go to church.

Don’t get me wrong, these are all good things. There is nothing wrong with giving your mentee the option to do as you have done. But your way is one way, it is not the way. We must be careful not to get caught up trying to get them to emulate us instead of Christ.

I know for me, when my mentees desires didn’t line up with my desires for them, it caused frustration in our relationship. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t want the things that I wanted for them. It would cause me to judge them unfairly, and it caused a rift in our relationship.

Your mentee is different than you. He or she has a different story, different skills, and a different personality than you. Work with your mentee to figure out what God’s unique, individual call and plan is for him or her.

Focus instead on making disciples of Christ. The first step is letting go of the expectations you have for your mentee. As hard as it may be, don’t focus on the end results. Instead, focus on the process of showing up and loving them right where they are. Love them right where they are and accept them just as they are, instead of getting on to them because they are not where you think they should be.

When our expectations aren’t met, frustration sets in. When negativity enters your relationship, the enemy uses it to wreak havoc on the trust you’ve built together. It’s okay to hope your mentee goes to college or has athletic success, but don’t expect it. Expectation is rigid, but hope is flexible. Expectation is assuming something will happen. Hope is wishing or desiring good to happen. Don’t bury your mentee with the weight of having to live up to your expectations.

We all have dreams for our mentees, and there is nothing wrong with that. But a question to ask your mentee is “What are your dreams?” Once you know what they want, you can focus on making their dreams come true, instead of the dreams that you want for them.

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

Earn the Right to Be Heard

You may have heard the saying “a kid doesn’t care what you know until they know that you care.” It is one of my favorite sayings because I think it is 100% accurate.

I have seen many mentors get rejected when they try to start the mentoring relationship with giving the mentee advice. Simply put, your mentee really doesn’t care what you know. Most are not impressed by your job title or college degree. They don’t want to hear about your financial planning strategy or how you became successful, at least not right off the bat.

We must earn the right to be heard.

Early on in my mentoring journey, one of my mentees named Jason wanted nothing to do with me. All I got from him were icy glares, one word answers, and sarcastic put downs. I would come home rejected and thinking that Jason hated me.

But it was just a test. You see, while I thought Jason didn’t like me, he was really sizing me up to see if he would allow me to be a part of his life. He wasn’t being mean; he was protecting himself. Jason didn’t open up until he knew that I was the real deal, and that took a lot of work.

Here are three ways that you can earn the right to be heard with your mentee.

1. Keep showing up: Perseverance is required in your mentoring journey. Some mentees will warm up to you the second they meet you, but others, especially older mentees, may take some time in opening up. You can win there hearts by continuing to show up time after time with a smile on your face. Know that the fight for their heart is worth it, and the waiting will pay dividends as your relationship progresses. Sarcasm, impatience, or a failure to understand why they won’t open up will delay progress. Smiles, asking questions, and putting yourself in their shoes will help open up the door.
2. Seek first to understand: Realize that you are asking your mentee to open up to a total stranger is a tall order. Entering into the relationship with humility is a great way to earn you the right to be heard. You don’t know what your mentee has been through. You don’t know their past or their story. You probably don’t even know their personality or their temperament. Spend the first season of your mentoring relationship seeking to understand who they are and where they come from. Open them up to your life as well as the opportunities arise. Make it your mission to learn as much as you possibly can about your mentee and how they are wired. We must focus on them, instead of on ourselves.
3. Make their life better: Serving your mentee in whatever way necessary is a great way to earn the right to be heard. How can you make their life better? Be on the lookout for creative ways to bless them. Maybe they need a ride somewhere or a connection to get a job? Perhaps its giving them access to a new experience or a place to hang out with their friends? It also could just be as simple as encouraging them and making sure they leave your presence with a laugh and a smile. Serving them in practical and encouraging ways is a great way to earn favor with your mentee.

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com