-How and why do codependents often try to NOT have needs?

-What do defense mechanisms like suppression have to do with neglecting our needs?

-If you suppress your needs, what can you do to stop and start honoring them?

Welcome to Episode 168! In this episode, I will share about my futile attempt to not have needs, especially in my marriage, in the first few weeks of motherhood! Tell me I’m codependent without telling me I’m codependent: I pretended to not have needs! You’ll hear me discuss defense mechanisms then expand on one of the more common in codependents: suppression. I wrap it up nicely by sharing an anecdote in hopes it will help you understand and know you are not alone. It’s a must-listen episode!

Support and connect:

Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Connect! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about topics you’d like me to discuss or to hear more about my psychotherapy services, coaching, and other offerings.

More details on this episode:

We begin with our usual check-in.

I then reflect on codependency in my marriage (and how I have naively thought I was not codependent with my husband).

How does this relate to my experience with early motherhood? I describe my regression into a familiar defense mechanism: suppression. I provide a description of defense mechanisms and share about the more common ones: displacement, denial, and projection.

We shift to what suppression looks like in codependents and why we often use it as a defense mechanism: to avoid mental pain, unacceptable feelings, and unacceptable behaviors.

We conclude with an anecdote from my experience as a new mom where I tried to not have needs. There was an absence of needs. Thankfully it wasn’t sustainable and I’m not being a codepend-mama. I hope the example helps you know you are not alone.

Thanks for listening!

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With love,

Marissa

-What is an ‘emotionally immature parent?’

-How can codependency develop in the child of an emotionally immature parent?

-If you have an emotionally immature parent, what can you do to change the relationship?

Welcome to Episode 167! This week, I’m joined by Michelle Charime, LMFT, to discuss the world of the emotionally immature parent. Michelle educates us on what an emotionally immature parent is, including a breakdown of the types of behaviors that their children take on: emotionally sensitive and externalization. Michelle highlights the ways that children in these families can develop codependency with their parent and describes the short-term and long-term consequences of this dynamic. We conclude with hearing Michelle’s suggestions for how a codependent adult child in this situation can change their relationship with their emotionally immature parent. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: email marissa@codependummy.com

Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More deets on this week’s guest:

Michelle Charime, LMFT (pronounced Sha-reem) is a psychotherapist based Los Angeles, CA who specializes in Codependency and Trauma. She helps burnt-out people-pleasers and deep-feelers trust and prioritize themselves so they can live their most authentic and rewarding lives. Prior to private practice, she gained nearly 10 years of experience in community-based organizations working with individuals facing homelessness and mental health concerns. Fun Fact: She has had not one, but two email exchanges with Irvin Yalom.

www.languageofhealingtherapy.com

In this episode, you will hear Michelle and I discuss the following questions:

1. Her definition of codependency: an over-reliance and an over-dependence for one’s psychological, emotional, and physical needs on another individual.

2. Her own codependent experience: Michelle describes growing up with emotionally immature parents which led her into toxic relationships.

3. What does it mean to describe a parent as an 'emotionally immature parent? Michelle describes that emotionally immature parents have a diminished capacity for reflection and compassion for their children. They often neglect their emotional needs and can emotionally abuse their children by not engaging in emotional discussions.

4. The enmeshed dynamic between adult children and their emotionally immature parents. They put their parents first and take responsibility for their parents’ emotions.

5. Michelle describes the 2 types of adult children of emotionally immature parents: the internalizers (they are emotional, sensitive, reflective people) and the externalizers (have a victim mentality, feel angry, impulsive, and engage in aggressive behaviors). The latter often become emotionally immature parents as well.

6. We conclude with hearing Michelle’s suggestions on how to change one’s relationship with an emotionally immature parent. Michelle suggests 1) acknowledging your parents is who they are; 2) understand you cannot change them; 3) focus on yourself; 4) grieve the parent you needed; 5) incorporate a community to support yourself; and 6) start creating healthy boundaries.

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• What was it like to give birth as a codependummy?

• How was I a codependummy during my birth?

• How was I NOT a codependummy during my birth?

Welcome to Episode 166! I’m back after giving birth to my baby–so sorry it took 104 days/15 weeks since the last episode aired. In this episode, you’ll hear me share my birth story. You’ll hear the ways I was a codependummy and ways I was NOT a codependummy during my birth experience. I hope it resonates with you–whether you have had a child or not–and you can reflect on how your anxiety, self-consciousness, and the internal rules you have for how you can behave impact you during big life events (like giving birth!). It’s a must-listen!

Support and connect:

Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Connect! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about topics you’d like me to discuss or to hear more about my psychotherapy services, coaching, and other offerings.

More details on this episode:

We begin with me checking in. Like I say in the episode, I’m sorry it took so long.

You’ll then hear me recount my birth story–my experience of giving birth to my baby boy.

I conclude with a reflection on ways I was and ways I wasn’t a codependummy during the experience.

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We need more ratings on Apple and Spotify. Thank you in advance! And please subscribe on Youtube so you get alerted of new episodes the second they drop.

With love,

Marissa

-What is the inner critic?

-How can we stop listening to or warring with our inner critic?

-How can practicing self-compassion help us befriend our inner critic?

Welcome to Episode 165! This week, Rachel Koutnik, LCSW, is back to teach us all about the befriending our inner critic through self-compassion! In the episode, you’ll hear Rachel walk us through what the ‘inner critic’ is, how we may be codependent with our inner critic, and why that may contribute to our codependency in our relationships. Rather than combat or try to rid ourselves of our inner critic, Rachel suggests befriending it through the use of self-compassion. We conclude with tangible suggestions from Rachel on how to cultivate a self-compassion practice. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Rachel Koutnik, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a therapist in private practice working mostly online in Los Angeles and is licensed in both CA and IL. Her approach to therapy is both relational and holistic with a focus on helping adolescents, adults, couples and families repair attachment trauma while integrating healing for the mind, body and spirit.

See Rachel on March 16 at the IOCDF Conference: https://iocdf.org/programs/conferences/

Check out Rachel’s website for her individual therapy and group offerings: www.rachelktherapy.com

More deets on the episode:

We begin with revisiting Rachel’s definition of codependency that she expands on through the lens of our relationship with ourselves. She describes how we look outside of ourselves for approval and reassurance and behave how we think others want us to be.

Rachel opens up about codependency in her own life and how she has been more codependent in relationships where her ‘inner critic’ was more at the forefront of her mind. She recalls laughing when things were not funny, having physical intimacy when she wasn’t ready, and privileging the other person’s needs above her own.

We shift focus to Rachel’s work to help her clients befriend their inner critic. She utilizes self-compassion, based off the work of Kristen Neff, that defines the practice as mindfulness and how we meet our suffering. Rachel defines self-compassion as developing a healthy relationship with suffering through loving, spacious awareness of all our parts. Rachel asserts how self-compassion helps us stop shaming ourselves while we heal which is a mandate to truly healing!

Rachel defines the ‘inner critic’ and shares how we can be just as codependent with this internal part as we are in our external relationships. In order to befriend our inner critic, Rachel asserts how we need to recognize it’s origin (how old is this part?) then engage in the reparative work: naming it, separating from it, using mindfulness, let compassion in, and provide compassion the way you might to a friend.

We conclude with Rachel listing how we can check in with our bodies when using self-compassion: take turns being the observer, the self-compassionate part, and the inner critic part of us to give all three space. Then, to provide compassion, we can tune in to our breathing, provide soothing though, go through a body scan, engage in movement/exercise, and incorporate tapping via Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).

Thank you for coming on again Rachel! And thank you dear listener for listening!

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-How do codependents tend to relate (or not relate!) to their bodies?

-Why are our relationships better when we are more connected with our bodies?

-How can our boundaries improve if we pay better attention to our physical sensations?

Welcome to Episode 164! This week, I am joined by Jacqueline Richards-Shrestha, LPC, about how our codependency is reflected in our connection–or lack there of–to our bodies. In the episode, you’ll hear Jacqueline describe the ways codependents relate to their bodies which often fosters a disconnection as a consequence of ignoring, neglecting, or bypassing our physical sensations. Jacqueline suggests ways we can get in better touch with our bodies and how that improves both our relationships with others and our boundaries within those relationships. We conclude with suggestions from Jacqueline on how we can become ‘somatically curious’ to change our relationship with ourselves and others. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Jacqueline is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado and a Self- Love Coach world Wide. She is passionate about helping young adult & millennial women who struggle with body dissatisfaction and relationship anxiety build their confidence so they can have better relationships and live more fulfilling lives. She has developed the "5-Weeks To A Better Relationship With Your Body" Self- Love Coaching program to help women move beyond a mean, and maybe even abusive relationship with themselves, to one thats kind, loving, and healthy.

More deets on the episode:

We begin with Jacqueline’s definition of codependency: when someone will self-abandon themself for another person. She describes how it begins via unconscious patterning early on–often preverbal between the ages of 0-1.5 or 2 years old.

Jacqueline opens up about codependency in her own life, including with her first boyfriend when she was 19-20 years old. She recalls how she was ‘so into him’ and how she eventually lost herself in the relationship as a consequence of abandoning herself to get high off his attention.

We shift focus to Jacqueline’s specialty of our relationship with our bodies. She lists how codependents abandon themselves, neglect taking care of themselves, skip meals, ignore their bodies, which leads to the development of an inner critic, not feeling good enough, and losing our connection with our authentic self.

Jacqueline asserts how “our bodies are awesome” and suggests how getting connected with our bodies can help us have better relationships. We learn to say “yes” when our body says ‘yes,’ and “no” when our body says ‘no.’ This leads to us being truthful and honoring what we want since we are ‘honoring our system.’

In order to notice your boundaries through your body, Jacqueline encourages incorporating a practice of listening to our bodies, our visceral reactions: a tightening stomach, discomfort, things ‘not feeling right,’ etc. She emphasizes how everyone’s body will speak to them in a UNIQUE WAY. So important to remember!

We conclude with the steps Jacqueline takes with her clients to help them improve their relationship with themself: be ‘somatically curious,’ start with awareness, slow down, see what comes up, and go from there.

Thank you for coming on Jacqueline! And thank you dear listener for listening!

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-How can defining our values help us with poor boundaries?

-What’s the difference between our unconscious and conscious values?

-Once we know our values, how can that lead to our increased ability to express ourselves?

Welcome to Episode 163! This week, I am joined by Lauren Camacho for her second appearance on the podcast. We talk all about VALUES: the how, the why, and the what when it comes to getting in touch with yours. Lauren describes how values can help us when we are confronted with a big transition in life, when it comes to transforming our boundaries from unhealthy to healthy, and as a way to help us get in better touch with ourselves. Lauren shares about her approach with her clients to help them change their unconscious values (for example, comfort and safety) to conscious (for example, honesty and compassion) as a guide for challenges in life. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Lauren Camacho is a therapist, coach, and founder of her group practice, Anew Counseling and Wellness located in Covina, CA. Anew Counseling and Wellness serves adults, teens, and couples and strives to support them in healing, growing, and thriving so they can feel better and live better.

https://www.anewcounselingandwellness.com 

Be sure to contact Lauren on her website for a free therapy consultation!

More deets on the episode:

We begin with revisiting Lauren’s definition of codependency: taking or giving responsibility to someone or something else in order to meet our needs. She adds how codependents often do not get to know who they are, are unable to honor who they are, and then a piece of us (or all of us) gets lost. She emphasizes how we need to ask questions about what do we value, why we value it, and where are those values present (or not present) in our lives. 

Lauren opens up about feeling codependent during her recent venture in opening her group practice: “Someone decide for me please!” She reflects on how she yearned for someone else to make decisions for her rather than take on that responsibility herself. Sound familiar?!

We shift focus to the codependency Lauren often sees in her practice. One common observation with her clients is how codependent they become while going through a difficult stage in life. Lauren reflects how these patients often regress into codependent behavior where they rely on others, experience choas/overwhelm, get into survival mode, are disorganized, and lack an inner authority. 

Lauren expands on her observation of codependent clients feeling detached from themselves. She suggests that, in order to get to know ourselves, we need to start with journaling. We can answer questions like: how am I doing? Where am I feeling emotions in my body? What do I need? How do I need that need?

In order to create better boundaries, Lauren suggests getting in touch with our VALUES. Once we get in touch with our values, they will guide our boundaries and make it that much easier to set and maintain them. We conclude with hearing how our values can also help us face the times we fear getting rejected since we are in touch with why we are willing to be rejected. We conclude with a helpful reminder to be sure to recognize when your following your fear-based values versus your trust-based values. 

Thank you for coming on again Lauren! And thank you dear listener for being here!

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-What drives codependent behavior?

-What are the common reasons that make it hard to stop codependent behavior?

-How is codependent just as lethal as substance and alcohol addiction?

Welcome to Episode 162! This week, we are joined by Dr. Sarah Michaud, PsyD, who opens up about her own codependent recovery that she documents in her book, Co-Crazy. Dr. Sarah shares with us about her codependent recovery journey and her work with codependent women. She describes where codependent behavior comes from and the factors that make it so difficult to stop the behaviors. We explore how codependency is just as lethal as other addictions like substance use and alcoholism and conclude with hearing why this makes Dr. Sarah so passionate about this work. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Dr Sarah Michaud is a psychologist who has worked with clients with addiction issues for over 30 years, She has also been sober herself for almost 40 years…she considers her codependency recovery the post important missing piece to her finally finding freedom and liberation over the last 20 years.

www.drsarahmichaud.com 

https://www.youtube.com/@leavingcrazytown → Be the first of 5 people to subscribe to her youtube channel, email leavingcrazytownshow@gmail.com, and get a free copy of her book!

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with Dr. Sarah’s definition of codepdnency: the inability to be with yourself. Codependents cannot speak up, set boundaries, and have an inability to be and know their true self. This leads to feeling exhausted, lost, enraged, detached, and an inabilityt to have true relationships. 

Dr. Sarah opens up about codependency in her own life, including with her father, first husband, and son. She contrasts these anecdotes by sharing about an interaction with her son after she began recovery and how she offered him support, encouragement, and acceptance. What a transformation!

Dr. Sarah suggests where codependent behavior comes from: simplistically, from the lack of knowing yourself. As children, we learn to get what we need and codependents do that indirectly through meeting the needs of others. Codependent behavior is driven by our lack of a sense of self. 

We explore what makes it so hard to stop codependent behavior: it’s uncomfortable, we fear changing our behavior will lead to pain and abandonment, the patterns are so automatic, it takes risk to make changes in our relationships, we have to value ourselves over our relationships, and we fear that we will be perceived as mean and selfish. 

Dr. Sarah is so passionate about this work since she believes that codependency is just as lethal as any addiction. She has witnessed what happens when people don’t take care of themselves and it leads to the same outcomes as addiction: physical and mental suffering. In order to help those who want freedom from codependency, Dr. Sarah wrote her book, Co-Crazy, which is part memoir and part roadmap to recovery. 

Thank you for being here Dr. Sarah! And thank you for listening dear listener!

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-How do codependents often switch from people-pleasing to controlling others?

-Where does our desire to control others come from?

-What can we do to let go of our need to control?

Welcome to Episode 161! Kelli Younglove is back for a deeper look at two common sides of codependency: people-pleasing and controlling others. Kelli opens up about her own experiences being a controlling codependent and how this contributed to her poor boundaries. We discuss where these poor boundaries, people-pleasing, and controlling behaviors come from. The episode concludes with Kelli sharing about all the work she has done to address her poor boundaries and how that led her to creating her boundary course. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Kelli Younglove is a Consciousness Coach who teaches her clients a kinder, gentler way to work with their anxiety so they can silence the voice of the harsh inner critic, release stress, and show up in their lives as their happy, confident selves.  She's also the creator of the boundary course: Creating the Container of YOU— a self-study e-course that teaches boundary fundamentals for people pleasers and controllers.

Kelli’s first interview on the podcast: https://codependummy.com/the-basics-of-boundaries-with-kelli-younglove/ 

Kelli’s course: https://courses-kelliyounglove.thinkific.com/courses/boundaries-creating-the-container-of-you 

Receive a free admission to her course by emailing Kelli: kelli@kelliyounglove.com 

https://www.facebook.com/youngloveinc/ 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin by revisiting Kelli’s definition of codependency and she adds how we “need the hit of approval, that rush that I am okay and alright since others are okay with me.” She emphasizes how codependents are left feeling insecure and scared since they are always looking outside of themselves to feel okay. 

Kelli reflects on codependency in her own life and reflects on a boyfriend from her early 20s. She recalls how she was controlling since she feared he would leave her by guilting him, giving him the silent treatment, via emotional blackmail, punishment, threats, and acting like a bully. Sound familiar?

We explore how codependents, despite being such people-pleasers, are controlling as well. This results in us swinging from one extreme to the other due to our lack of inner boundaries. 

Kelli suggests that these roles of people-pleasing and control are rooted in the human struggle for survival! This evolved into the struggle for power and we attempt to control as a survival strategy. In order to combat this, Kelli highlights how we need to switch from fear to better awareness and relate to others in a new way–not from a one up, one down position–but as equals. 

We conclude by hearing about Kelli’s journey to create healthy boundaries in her own life which began in 2002 and how that culminated in her creating her boundary course after decades of study! 

Thanks for coming on Kelli! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

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