The Power of Discord

Why the Ups and Downs of Relationships Are the Secret to Building Intimacy, Resilience, and Trust

By: Ed Tronick PhD PhD, Claudia M. Gold MD MD

Narrated by: Dan Woren, Betsy Foldes Meiman

This "profoundly wise" look at how to foster connections, attachment, and resiliency explains why working through discord is the key to better relationships. (Sue Johnson, bestselling author of Hold Me Tight)

You might think that perfect harmony is the defining characteristic of healthy relationships, but the truth is that human interactions are messy, complicated, and confusing. And according to renowned psychologist Ed Tronick and pediatrician Claudia Gold, that is not only okay, it is actually crucial to our social and emotional development. In The Power of Discord they show how working through the inevitable dissonance of human connection is the path to better relationships with romantic partners, family, friends, and colleagues.
Dr. Tronick was one of the first researchers to show that babies are profoundly affected by their parents' emotions and behavior via "The Still-Face Experiment." His work, which brought about a foundational shift in our understanding of human development, shows that our highly evolved sense of self makes us separate, yet our survival depends on connection. And so we approximate, iteratively learning about one another's desires and intentions, and gaining confidence in the process as we correct the mistakes and misunderstandings that arise.
Working through the volley of mismatch and repair in everyday life helps us form deep, lasting, trusting relationships, resilience in times of stress and trauma, and a solid sense of self in the world. Drawing on Dr. Tronick's research and Dr. Gold's clinical experience, The Power of Discord is a refreshing and original look at our ability to relate to others and to ourselves.

Critic reviews

"In this fabulous book, which everyone must own, Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold give all of us a scientifically-based compass for negotiating the messiness of social interaction. Rather than searching for perfection, in this book they teach us that it is the messiness and the mistakes we inevitably make as parents, friends, and lovers, and the repair of our mistakes that really matters. For in repair we 'co-create a new meaning,' and relationships thrive and proceed, full of life and good enough. Get this book!"

—John Gottman, author of Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

"Lively and riveting...Human connections have the power to heal by engaging us in a new set of moment-to- moment mismatches...as long as we are open to repair and reconnect."
—Bessel van der Kolk, MD, author of The Body Keeps the Score

"A brilliant overview of our contemporary relational landscape that argues that what people -- both children and adults -- need most is the messiness of real relationships, with their conflicts, partial resolutions, and imperfect efforts at repair. In trying to make these things work, we practice attention, connection, and listening. We practice our humanity. We learn to put technology in its place. A book for thinking and for practical action. A must-read."
—Sherry Turkle, author of Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology

"This profoundly wise book sets out how the dance of connection and disconnection with attachment figures molds our nervous system, our emotional lives, our sense of self, and our ability to dance in tune with others. When we miss each other is when we truly learn to turn, reach, and connect. There are no slick tips for perfect relationships with your kids or lovers here. Just a deep understanding of how the imperfections of life and love can make us strong."
—Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight

"Our relationships with attachment figures are often innately 'messy' and filled with discord as mismatches rupture the attuned, resonant alignments that are possible in our relational world. The reconnection established in the mismatch-repair process illuminated in this important work enables us to develop resilience in the face of the inevitable disconnections in these important self-defining close connections in our lives. This wise book will help many to reframe such ruptures as opportunities rather than troublesome burdens, painful yet important challenges that can actually afford us the interactive reconnection experiences that serve as the foundation for flourishing in life."—Daniel J. Siegel, MD, author of Mindsight and Clinical Professor, UCLA School of Medicine

A must read for those who have kids or want a healthy relationships!

That means everyone! This book is amazing. Helps you to sit with you. Self reflect and self learn. I wish this had been around before I had children.

A very important book

This book must be taught at schools to all children so they learn how to be curious about other people's perspectives, and how to survive and growout of the inevitable discords in relationships

Where to begin? This book has upended my understanding of relationships

I'm filled with hope with this new paradigm, and while I suspect I may need to reread and engage with the information as it pertains to my relationships which is so radically different from my beliefs about relating to others up until now, I m inspired to find a deeper, more open and trusting way to relate to myself and others.
I feel very grateful to the authors for presenting this information in such a thoughtful, cohesive and engaging book.

Helpful

I'm a pediatric nurse and a parent. I found this read so helpful and supportive.

Helpful book clinically and personally

A little wordy and would be helpful to have a print copy to be able to revisit a few concepts.