Why Won't You Apologize?

Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

By: Harriet Lerner PhD

Narrated by: Cassandra Campbell

Renowned psychologist and best-selling author of The Dance of Anger sheds new light on the two most important words in the English language - I'm sorry - and offers a unique perspective on the challenge of healing broken connections and restoring trust.

Dr. Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies - and why some people won't give them - for more than two decades. Now she offers compelling stories and solid theory that bring home how much the simple apology matters and what is required for healing when the hurt we've inflicted (or received) is far from simple. Listeners will learn how to craft a deeply meaningful "I'm sorry" and avoid apologies that only deepen the original injury.

Why Won't You Apologize? also addresses the compelling needs of the injured party - the one who has been hurt by someone who won't apologize, tell the truth, or feel remorse. Lerner explains what drives both the non-apologizer and the over-apologizer, as well as why the people who do the worst things are the least able to own up. She helps the injured person resist pressure to forgive too easily and challenges the popular notion that forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind. With her trademark humor and wit, Lerner offers a joyful and sanity-saving guide to setting things right.

©2017 Harriet Lerner. All rights reserved. (P)2017 Simon & Schuster

I'm sorry

Several years ago I read two or three of Ms. Lerner's books. I moved away from self-help over time and I didn't give Ms. Lerner a thought since then. I know now that I have sincerely missed her wise words!

I am 62 retired, married woman in the Mid West. I really have a pretty small life. I go to knitting, and do a lot of genealogy while listening to Audible. I really don't have the need to apologize for much anymore. Or so I thought.

There is wisdom in this book. Not only wisdom on how to apologize right the first time when it really does matter. But how to live with the apology when you are still emotionally involved. Tough stuff. But words worth listening to.

Very healing

This book was very healing for me. It opened me up to receive apologies without judging or controlling the apology. The explanations and examples on how to give an apology are very clear. I definitely have new skills for apologizing and will be open to receiving apologies in difficult situations.

Why Sincerity fails!

So many times we sincerely offer apologies, only to have them dismissed out of hand. This book does an excellent job in untangling the challenging world of relationships, by teaching the art of true apologies.

Get to learn to say sorry.

loved it..Throws so much light on the subject. Diction was good.
would like to know on personality disorders.

Required Reading for Practical Healing

This book is not just about apologizing but about how to improve any relationship that matters to you, especially when that relationship needs repair. The guidance and examples provided have forever changed how I approach my relationships and communicate in them. I look forward to reading and listening to more from Lerner. I only wish she had narrated this book herself, to lend it more authenticity.

very useful to continue the healing process

good narration.

clear communication.

healing and generous toward a real understanding and explanation of what it's like to be human.

The Anatomy of an Apology

What did you love best about Why Won't You Apologize??

The insight.

What other book might you compare Why Won't You Apologize? to and why?

The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman

What about Cassandra Campbell’s performance did you like?

Clear articulation and easy on the ear.

Any additional comments?

Harriet Lerner does an excellent job of dissecting and analyzing why we can be reluctant to apologize, how we "faux apologize," and what a genuine apology consists of. There was so much of what she touched on that resonated with my experience, both as apologizer and apologizee.

There was, however, a point in which Harriet and I diverged: forgiveness. She vehemently maintains that forgiveness is not necessary for healing, which I vehemently disagree with. In listening to her reasoning, I found that where we disagreed had to do with the anatomy of forgiveness.

IME, there are at least five domains into which Harriet was conflating the word "forgiveness." She lumped together forgiveness (letting go) with trust (becoming vulnerable to that person again), boundaries (limits on behavior/exposure which prevent future injurious behavior/interaction), reconciliation (the ability to have a functional interaction), and restoration (the full resumption of an open-hearted relationship). When she says, "Forgiveness isn't necessary for healing," what it turned out that she meant was that you don't have to make yourself vulnerable to someone who has wronged you in the past. When she says, "You don't have to forgive 100% in order to forgive," what she is describing is reconciliation that incorporates boundaries. The relationships that she describes as almost/completely forgiving are relationships that are at least reconciled, if not completely restored.

So I maintain the conviction that forgiveness is essential for healing because it requires that the relinquishment pain and woundedness to God's sovereign justice. The other aspects of the damaged relationship play out independently of that.

The balance of the book is an insightful and incisive examination of what we need and need to give in an apology so that we may hear and be heard addressing the behavior that created the breach. I would highly recommend this book along with Gary Chapman's The Five Languages of Apology.

A good read

This book had a lot of through examples and explanations that I’ll take with me in life.

If only Christine Baranski were narrating...

It's bothersome that far more often "He" is apologizing to "Her" & "She" forgives "Him" or not. Part of the reason I read this was to try and figure out why some of the people I know, mostly women, are so bad at or seemingly incapable of apologizing. It gave some answers, but the search continues...Leonard's mom would know.

maybe not for trauma survivors

edit: I crafted an apology to an estranged lover and could not have had better results. ***I actually thought this book was brilliant after first reading/listening to it. I read this book to understand why my family and ex boyfriend won't apologize, but after listening, I wondered if I owed these abusive people apologies, too. After all, because of this book, I could see that they were hurt by me and my reactions to trauma too and likely deserved an apology. My family and I were in a vicious cycle of not validating or respecting each other's perspectives and fights were rampant. I have realized that denial is in fact a way to deal with trauma, and they need support regardless, not my judgement, so I should apologize for that. Actually, that's a big reason I was mad at them- they judged me for my very different way of coping instead of supporting! I can really see how it could deescalate my situation by apologizing first, even to my mother who, unlike my sisters, definitely started it. But still, when a toxic situation like mine is the case, this book falls short. The people in my life are still dangerous for me, and apologizing may not get me an apology eventually, but instead, vulnerability to more harm. I regularly see a talented therapist specializing in trauma and attachment and she disagreed with the author's notion that I should apologize to my family at all, or to my ex, as they still haven't done the work, and it takes two. I'm left with more questions than answers. If you don't have serious relationship issues in general, I can definitely recommend this book.